I am struggling tonight. I don’t miss him, necessarily, but I miss a presence. It is quiet except for the hum of the window air conditioners, and the tink, tink, tinking of the pull chain on the ceiling fan as it hits against the glass globe.
My heart hurts and I am lonely. I know it will pass, but I feel like I have a lump in my throat that won’t budge, and I can’t stop myself from crying as I write this.
I made the mistake of reading through all our text messages. He seemed to really like me at first. Everything seemed great. It didn’t last. He started accusing me of wanting to spend too much time together, of being too mistrusting. He started picking, and I started believing what he said. I went from being a confident woman to a meek girl who fell in line with his wishes.
I will be that confident woman again someday, but it will take time. It will take at least as much time to build myself back up, as it took for him to knock me down. Right now I have bursts of emotion, but quickly go back to feeling dead inside. It amazes me how I can still see the bruises on my face, but I can so easily separate myself from the reality of what has occurred. I guess it is a process which has to be worked through, and I must be in the first phase of it. I wonder how long the denial will last?