The Spaces In Between Hurt & Healing
I am struggling tonight. I don’t miss him, necessarily, but I miss a presence. It is quiet except for the hum of the window air conditioners, and the tink, tink, tinking of the pull chain on the ceiling fan as it hits against the glass globe.
My heart hurts and I am lonely. I know it will pass, but I feel like I have a lump in my throat that won’t budge, and I can’t stop myself from crying as I write this.
I made the mistake of reading through all our text messages. He seemed to really like me at first. Everything seemed great. It didn’t last. He started accusing me of wanting to spend too much time together, of being too mistrusting. He started picking, and I started believing what he said. I went from being a confident woman to a meek girl who fell in line with his wishes.
I will be that confident woman again someday, but it will take time. It will take at least as much time to build myself back up, as it took for him to knock me down. Right now I have bursts of emotion, but quickly go back to feeling dead inside. It amazes me how I can still see the bruises on my face, but I can so easily separate myself from the reality of what has occurred. I guess it is a process which has to be worked through, and I must be in the first phase of it. I wonder how long the denial will last?
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 
You WILL be that confidant woman again. Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally. The hardest part with abuse is that it starts in the mind as they knock our self-esteem out from under us. Take all the time your body and mind need to heal!! Try not to read the texts…trust me I know that can be hard! Stay strong…standing with you!!
I know, never should’ve gone there.
I still can’t get up the nerve to delete my old texts from him. I even tried to on my Google Voice account & they won’t delete! No matter what I do they just hang out on that account. You will stop going there when you are ready!!
They are gone now!! I took the plunge and deleted them yesterday.
Whoo Hoo!! That is fantastic…go you! It sounds like you are doing a good job at letting go!
May the healing come quickly for both the physical and mental wounds
Thank you. 🙂
You miss what COULD have and what you feel SHOULD have been, that’s all. This too shall pass x
Yes. . . .I had hoped. . . .oh, well. . . .
Delete those text messages. Immediately. And any other vestige of his presence as well. Emails. Voice mails. Everything. Otherwise, you are going to be doomed to ripping off that band-aid again and again.
I know you’re right, I should pick up my phone and do it right now. I should’ve done it days ago. Why is it so hard to let meaningless words go? It’s not like there are wonderful terms of endearment in the messages, only a bunch of miscellaneous bullshit. I fooled myself into thinking I mattered to him. If I had, he wouldn’t have treated me so poorly.
Your struggles are ones that most women go through…..we’re torn up because it’s so darned hard (and lonely) being “alone.” There’s just something so sad about that word. We often are willing to exchange being alone for having someone — anyone — to call our own. I think it’s our nature. Everyone wants to be “special” to someone.
I’ve saved letters as a means of “reminding me” why I am currently alone. Every time I read them, my loneliness dilutes just a bit more. Your saved text messages will in time remind you why you are no longer with this person. You’ll read them through stronger eyes — eyes able to see the truth — the lies and the way you were used. And, your strength will come back.
Wishing you well this day. Even when we cry, we’re growing stronger. To face our pain is to take away some of its power over us and to regain back some of our own self-worth. You’re doing great! I’m really proud of you!
My friend and I always tell each other, that it would be so nice if we ourselves, had someone like us! We always treat men with are with so well, yet never seem to get any of that in return. It’s sad that we are so desperate for someone to find us worthy of love, that we will sacrifice ourselves for it.
I believe there will come a point when I can delete the text messages. . .when they will make me sick to read them, because I will see his sickness pouring out of them. My mother would be one that was able to just be rid of everything, but I am not my mother, and have to deal with things in my own time.
Clara, I appreciate your kind words so much!! I have enjoyed reading your son’s blog so much, and always loved reading things about you, and seeing your wonderful smiling face in his photos. Your children are very blessed to have you, and I am so pleased to call you a WP friend!! Hugs to you!!
I remember this stage, rereading emails, going over phone calls, events, in my head. Get rid of all the tangible links to him—all the texts, emails, everything. Even the good stuff that happened at the beginning, it was all from someone who you didn’t know well at the time–someone who was not showing his true colors. I went through all of this as well, and it was rough at first, it really was. Trying to reconcile what he seemed to be at the beginning with the bastard he really was. People like this chip away at your confidence and self-esteem so gradually that you don’t even realize it at first. Until suddenly you realize you’re a shadow of your former self.
Going cold turkey will help you remember what things were like before you met him. Own what you were before him. Everything you were then, you still are.
Big hugs, honey.
HRH Madame Weebles,
You are so right!! Most days my self-esteem is tenuous at best, so it didn’t take much chipping for him to wear it away. A friend told me one time, “Butcher knife, not butter knife”. I need to sever the ties!! Thanks for the words, and the hugs.
Your Loyal Subject,
FBG
Anytime, Sexypants.
You’ll get there. Xx
Some day!
Keep moving forward. Sit on the couch with an adult beverage and watch Fried Green Tomatoes or Thelma and Louise or any of the Alien movies. (Sigourney Weaver is nobody to trifle with, and neither are you.)
Holler, “TOWANDA!” at the top of your lungs.
There. That feels better, doesn’t it?
Oh hell, I wish I owned Fried Green Tomatoes on DVD!!! I LOVE that movie!! Thanks for making me smile just thinking about it. You are helping me to feel tougher than I am!
I’m with ya there — it’s an AWESOME movie, and Kathy Bates yelling “TOWANDA” is probably the best part. I wanna hear you yell it, all the way from wherever you are, to my home in Washington State! 😉
Some days I feel like running my car into others, and saying the famous line, “Face it girls, I’m older and I have more insurance!!’ hahahaha
Love it! Hey, I think I got the Follow button working! I had to install a new plugin. Thanks for letting me know — I had no idea it wasn’t there. 😉