I am holed up in a hotel room in San Antonio right now. This trip isn’t going to plan, but sometimes it’s better that way. I am so exhausted I don’t know if I can work up the energy to get ready to go out and explore. I am determined to have fun even though I miss my kid, my cowboy, and my house. Daytime TV will drive a person to drink though, so I think I must go in search of other entertainment soon.
I am certain that you don’t want me to change…you like me just the way I am…you can relate to my kind of crazy…please help me remind myself that I only need to be exactly who I am…and you only need be who you are…maybe we both have met our match…wouldn’t that be lovely…
I have been absent, exploring new possibilities. I have been acting like I am 18 again and losing out on a lot of sleep. The reason is laying at the other end of my couch right now, feet in boots, propped on my coffee table, sleeping and snoring off and on. He is country. He is old-school and knows how to work hard. He gets me, and we make each other laugh until our guts hurt and tears run out of our eyes. He talks tough, and has been brave enough to get on the back of a bull, but speaking of his son, or his grandpa, almost never fails to bring a tear to his eye. He drinks Bud Light like it’s water, but never raises his voice at me in anger. He looks at me like he can’t believe he was lucky enough to meet me. It was instantaneous. The day before I met him I had told my mom and a friend of mine that the internet dating thing was making me sick, and that I needed a simple man who had some fucking morals. There he was the very next night. He didn’t ride a horse in, but he does own one.
Me thinketh you doth drink too much
That you drown whatever needs drowning in numerous cans of Bud Light
Often until you slur the expletives pouring from your mouth
Jovial you are
Storyteller you hold my attention
You bring laughter to my life
You scare the shit out of me
Are you one big, walking red flag?
Should I turn and walk the other way for fear
You are just like him and one day the laughter
Will have turned to harsh words spoken on the breath of beer
Unable to control the disgust you feel for me
Because I am strong and you are weak
As we begin a new year, I am taking a look back at my personal All Male Review 2012. The year started out well. . . .
But quickly turned into. . . .
Just kidding!! Like I could even hope to hook up with a midget! Sorry, “little person”. Whatthefuckever!! When they advertise the wrestling gig they call it “Midget Wrestling”, because “Little Person Wrestling” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. But once again, I am off the subject, damn ADD.
This should be simple, because the list is pretty short.
1. I started out the year with a “booty call”. BC2012 was actually a guy I used to hook up with about 25 years ago, and I ran into him on POF. He has less hair, but still a pretty rockin’ body, and we still had the killer chemistry we had when I was 18! We actually started hooking up again in Novemer of 2011, but it carried over into 2012. I was fairly satisfied with the arrangement, even though I am looking for a long-term gig. At the beginning of the summer I had a male friend from high school come to visit me. I took him to the club I usually go to, and BC2012 was there. I thought BC2012 was there with a chick, and texted him, because he hadn’t acknowledged me when he came in. He finally texted me back, and was irritated that I would think he was with her, because she was the wife of his buddy. I told him sorry, tried to talk to him later in the evening, and he told me he was so mad at me that he couldn’t talk to me. And he stayed mad. . . until last night, when I texted him and told him Happy New Year, he replied back, I admitted to him I miss the sex, he told me he misses the blow jobs. When I get up this morning, he had texted me about the time the bar was closing telling me he wanted a blow job. Typical.
2. “Mr. IamsofullofmyselfallIcantalkaboutishowmuchweightIhavelostandhowmuchIworkout” – this was a POF guy who was quite charismatic and funny. Of course he is in marketing, so he has the gift of gab. We hit it off, and corresponded for a couple of weeks before meeting. He came to the town I live in, planned the date, and was even polite enough to ask if he could pick me up at my door, or if I would prefer to meet elsewhere. He is around 46, and has been married twice, with 3 children, one of them grown and out of the house. I tell you this, because I think it is relevant to dating at my age. Anyway, it was hotter than love outside, but we went to a car show, then to a bar for beers and burgers afterward. Conversation was easy, had a lot of laughs, had numerous things in common. He brought me home, came in and I showed him some of the work I have done on my house, we had a chaste kiss, he told me he would really like to see me again, and left. We texted for a few days after, then it began to slack off, until it trickled to nothing. He took his profile off POF for quite awhile, then I noticed the other day it is back on. WTF?
3. Randy – hell I might as well use his real name, because you all don’t know who the hell I am, so what does it matter?? Sometimes the alises are just fun to make up though. This guy and I corresponded back and forth for awhile, and finally ended up meeting on a Sunday, shortly after my date with #2. I actually was very comfortable talking to him on the phone, he seemed very serene and had one of those voices that make you feel very calm. We were going to meet for a drink somewhere, but I just invited him to my house and we floated around in my pool while drinking a beer. Great conversation, laughs, . . .which then led into the same sort of almost non-existent texting thing, and then into the great void of nothingness again.
After these two I took a long break. I didn’t know if I wanted to do the internet thing anymore. It seemed like it took up a lot of my time, and never led to much of anything beyond a first meeting. But, even though I am one of the most sarcastic, pessimistic bitches I know, I can’t give up on trying to find my match. Back into the infested waters of POF I go.
4. Enter MP. I call him this because he is a retired MP. Talk about click! This guy and I clicked on all levels. Plus, bonus, he was also a phone talker, and not just a damn texter. I don’t mind texting, but I do enjoy talking on the phone. Maybe it’s generational thing. Anyway, we met in the middle of October, and had a wonderful evening. Lots of laughs, and we could talk on numerous topics. I knew he wasn’t divorced yet, and only separated, but he told me he had been separated for quite some time, and his intention was to get divorced. We got cozy in his truck, but it was quite chaste. We talk on the phone the next morning on his way to work, a couple of texts that night, then nothing. This one really bothered me. Too much click to end up in nowheresville, but it did anyway. I hid my profile, and it is still hidden. His also mysteriously disappeared shortly thereafter, only to reappear listing him in another city, he travels for work, but also as divorced instead of just being separated. I didn’t believe it, so I went digging. I knew there was no way he was divorced in just over a month. He had told me tons of information, and the internet makes it easy to find out lots of things, like the fact that he is still very married!! At least according to Facebook. His wife’s page is wide open, and she was visiting him in the new town he’s working in. Disappointment.
5. Currently texting with a guy from another town, who I may or may not meet. He is younger than me, and has never been married and has no kids. Hmmm. . .don’t know if that would work or not. I think he is just looking for an extended hook-up. We’ll see what happens. I don’t spend much time on it.
6. Cowboys are my downfall. Oh wait, so are military guys. Maybe it’s just men in general! hahaha Either way, I hooked up with a cowboy last Saturday night. I am not in the habit of picking up men in the bar. . . .anymore. I haven’t done the bar hook-up for years, and I have no idea what possessed me last Saturday night. I think it was a mixture of bourbon and dimples. He was cute and he talked like a damn cracker. No shit, the guy says, “gooder”, and when he does it in that little drawl, it’s cute as hell. But, this is where that question of “Does size matter?”, comes into play. Mind you, I don’t know that I will ever hang out with this guy again, and I don’t even really know him very well, so the question probably doesn’t need to be answered at this point. We didn’t exchange numbers, but I did message him on the FB. He is just cracker enough, that he only got a FB account about two weeks ago, and barely knows how to work the damn thing. But, I also left a note in his door with my number on it, and haven’t heard a thing. Don’t judge!! I was alone on New Year’s Eve, and he’s fun to hang out with!!
So, there it is, my All Male Review of 2012. I am sure there are women who have more impressive years than I do, considering all of mine result in a big batch of nothing. I can only hope that next year’s review, is a really short list. You know, like I will meet the man of my dreams at the beginning of January and won’t have to bore you with stories of my almost non-existent dating adventures!!
I don’t do resolutions. In fact, I’m not really doing New Year’s at all, unless you want to call buying the “good” vodka a big celebration. Here’s the reason I don’t do resolutions–because I break them. Fact is, I feel like a big turd dipped in glitter most of the year anyway, so making a resolution and then not keeping it, kind of just adds to my issues. Basically it makes me feel like a turd with a lot of the glitter worn off.
I got to thinking tonight, (who knows, maybe it was the good vodka) of some of the things I would like to have in 2013. Here is my list of what I want the universe to bring to me in 2013:
1. More sex. That’s right, I want to get laid more often. Hell, I just want to get laid!! Seriously, I love sex. Would I like to be able to have lots of rockin’ sex within a great relationship? Yes, that would be ideal. So if the universe can bring me all of that, it would be much appreciated.
2. Time. I want just a goddamn minute. I want a minute to be able to complete a task, without feeling like I have to steal time from other shit.
3. Vacation. Really? In almost 6 years I have not taken off more than 2 days in a row. Could you give me a fucking break? I need to stop being such a workaholic, and being loyal to a company who couldn’t give two shits about me and mine. Fuck you people, I am taking some time off in 2013.
4. Laughter. You can never have enough of some shit in life, and laughter is one of those things. And if it comes along with #1, in a relationship, that would be the ultimate.
5. Satisfaction. I think this is an impossibility. I don’t think I can ever be satisfied. Can I be content at some point? Yes, I think if I have lots of #1, #4, and some of #2 and #3, I can be content. But if I reach a place of satisfaction, I would imagine I would give up trying to do better, and that’s just not me.
6. Built-In Asshole Indicator. When you’re dating I think this is a must! At the very least, I just would like the ability to know sooner, rather than later, that a guy is a total douche and a waste of my time. I am kind of a hard ass when it comes to the dating thing though, because shit like penis size really matters to me, which means I am probably a shallow bitch.
7. Readers. Don’t get me wrong, I am fucking happy as hell that I have as many followers as I do! I by no means, think I am that funny, or witty, or sarcastic enough, to garner the readership I do have. You who read, obviously see something in me I fail to see in myself, so thanks for wearing those fucking beer goggles 24/7. Keep reading and send all your friends too.
8. More shit. Like I said, I am never satisfied. I am satisfied that this year has almost come to a close. It flew by. I hope you get some shit you want in 2013.
Ha! You thought I was going to tell you I met the man of my dreams today, didn’t you?? Well, no such luck, but I did get a wish for Christmas this year–the Easy-Bake Oven I had wanted for over 30 years! What was it about this thing that made me long for cooking equipment? Was it the picture of Betty Crocker on the box, with her Aqua-Netted hairdo? Was it the idea of all the tasty morsels coming out piping hot? I still can’t put my finger on it, but there was some sort of marketing genius involved; that shit worked so good I kept wanting the stupid thing even after I was a grown-up, going so far as to commisserate to friends about not getting one. So this year said smart-ass friends, come across one at a yard sale, snatch it up, and keep it until Christmas when it is wrapped and given to me. I laughed my ass off when I opened the thing. I only wish they had been there when I opened it. Little did my 7 year old self know, that the Easy-Bake Oven wasn’t all that “easy”, and most items take forever to cook, if they even end up cooking at all, because it uses a damn light bulb to “bake” the stuff! Once again, quite like most men, it was much better in my mind than in reality.
That just happened! Not sure how, or why, but Rob aka Radar O Nelson, (or is it O’Nelson and he’s a wee bit Irish??, or maybe the “O” stands for “as in the “O” face??), over at Seasons of Insanity, has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award. I can’t remember how I stumbled across Rob’s blog, or he stumbled across mine, which in turn led me to his or what, because all of this shit is just like a big ‘ol blog orgy, and one leads to another, which leads to another, and in the end garners lots of mutual satisfaction. Either way, I want to thank “O-Face” Nelson, who took time out of his busy Zombie Apocalypse preparation schedule to nominate me for this award. I also want to thank you for being a downright pervy bastard who isn’t afraid to just throw shit out there, like the fact you’ve had a 3-some! Sshhh. . .did you hear that? That was dudes everywhere giving him a big fucking high-five for that shit! Seriously though, most of all I want to thank him for his service, and giving up 20 years of his life to serve our country. I am a proud supporter of our military, and get to spew my own personal brand of bullshit on this here internet because of guys just like you. Sending you much love my man. 🙂
Now, on to the task at hand and answering all these fucking questions and coming up with some clever new ones, as if I didn’t have enough shit to do with fucking Christmas only being a week away! Just kidding!! I can now sit here and have another cup of coffee instead of getting busy doing what I really need to, so this totally rocks!
These are the rules:
When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure you notify the blogger that you nominated them!)
You write up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated your own blog!
You paste the award picture into your blog. (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)
Eleven Random Facts About Me:
1. I went to college on a vocal scholarship.
2. I love pork rinds. Even though some guys probably think it’s totally gross for a chick to eat pork rinds, I just fucking love them.
3. I once quit drinking for 13 years.
4. I worry I will be alone for the rest of my life.
5. I have a collection of milk glass and cream pitchers.
6. Even though they are not overly hairy or dark, I shave the hair on my arms and knuckles because it grosses me out.
7. Even though I wore braces for 2 1/2 painful years, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, the space between my two front teeth returned. This pisses me off.
8. I have slight hoarding tendencies paired with ADD and OCD. Yep, I am pretty much fucked. I tend to look like a hamster running around on a wheel most days.
9. I like to take old things and make them new again.
10. I miss talking on the phone to people.
11. I still believe in big love.
Radar’s Questions for me:
1. Where were you born? In a tar paper shack. No, not really. I was born in a hospital. . . in a small town. . .in Kansas. . .which shall remain anonymous to protect others.
2. What is your favorite place to visit? I never go anywhere really, so I couldn’t say, but my favorite place to “be”, is near the water, preferably the lake.
3. What is your favorite celebrity? Carol Burnett
4. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween
5. Have you traveled outside your own country of origin? Yes, my ex husband is in the Army, and we lived in Germany for 3 years.
6. What is your favorite color? Right now it seems to be turquoise, but that could change.
7. Do you like to dance? Love to dance!! My favorite type is country couples dancing, but will cut a rug to just about anything.
8. What is your favorite type of music? I can’t choose just one, because I love music too much.
9. What is your favorite band? One of my faves is AC/DC.
10. What is your favorite meal? Ribeye steak.
11. What is your favorite Christmas feast? Nothing traditional. I prefer doing steak or different types of soups.
So now I guess it’s my turn to spread the love around! Can I come up with 11 people to bestow this honor on?? I realize some of these people have probably been nominated for this award already, so if you have, forgive me, I guess you can toss it aside, or skip the questions, or just do whatever with it. Currently my blog roll is only so big, and I can’t even nominate the person who nominated me, so that cuts down on my choices too! So, without further adieu, I hereby nominate the following:
2. http://fromtimbertotide.com/
3. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/
4. http://excitementontheside.com/
6. http://adlibb3d.wordpress.com/
8. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/
9. http://mccrabass.wordpress.com/
10. http://truthaccordingtotom.wordpress.com/
11. http://35andonlinedating.wordpress.com/
I guess I am supposed to notify all of you that you have been nominated, so I will try to get to that sometime today. Here are your 11 really important questions:
1. How do you like your steaks cooked?
2. Favorite movie?
3. Do you recycle?
4. Do you read?
5. If you do read, do you still prefer the feel of a book in your hand, or have you gone “techno”??
6. One word for the reason why you blog.
7. Do you hang the toilet paper to roll over, or under? (Before you answer this, just know that if you hang it under, you are a total freak of nature.)
8. Favorite season?
9. Cats or dogs, or both?
10. When was the last time you did something nice for someone, with no expectation of return?
11. Do you believe in Karma?
There they are, in all their glory. Like I said, answer them, or don’t answer them. Pass them on or don’t pass them on. Cuss me or thank me. Just remember, I didn’t start this shit, I am merely being generous in this wonderful season of giving.
I want to be humorous, but I just can’t. This shit has got me down. The holiday, my job, the state of my fixer-upper house. I don’t have the fucking energy to be funny. Of course I don’t think anyone has that expectation of me; to be funny all the time. I’ve never intentionally tried to be funny every day, because that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about me, being me. Some days I am funny, at a minimum I am sarcastic and bitchy, and other days I am just downright rude and socially unacceptable. Tonight, I am tired and bitchy, my job offers me no challenges, I ain’t been laid in so many godddamn fortnights (I just found out what that word actually means last week, so I’m using it in a fucking sentence) I can’t even count, and it’s fucking Christmas in a little over a week.
Could things be worse? Definitely. Should I be more grateful? Probably. But if there’s one thing I know about me, it’s that I have to ride the waves, whatever type of waves they might be. Eventually, the water will be calm again, and I can have a little peace.
Gary Allan says every storm runs out of rain. . .sing my life. . .
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