Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

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Wishful Thinking

“Either you told me you loved me the other night, or I dreamed you told me you loved me.”

“I don’t know where you got that idea, because I never said it.  You must have dreamed it.”

Did it escape my lips without me knowing?  I tried so hard not to say it, because it always seems to ruin everything.  It scares people, but I don’t understand why.  I love easily.  Just because I tell you I love you, it doesn’t mean I expect you to say it in return.  I can love you without your permission.  I can love you without you feeling the same way.  You should feel lucky I chose to love you.  Not everyone gets so lucky. 

Lazy Asses – Installment #3

Truck drivers!  You lazy asses!  What is this fascination with pissing in gallon containers and leaving them on the exit ramp?  Seriously, I understand your need to urinate.  I would even go so far as to say I understand your need to urinate in an old milk jug, because you need to make time and can’t spare the ten minutes to pull into the rest area and take a proper whiz.  But really, could you do the rest of us the courtesy of disposing of your pee properly?  Who in the fuck do you think is going to pick up that jug of apple juice looking piss you have so kindly left sitting on the side of the road?  Your lazy ass needs to take care of that yourself!

You May Think. . .

You may think I am stupid.

You may think I am weak.

You may think I am desperate.

You may even think I am pathetic.

And you might be right.

I have felt all of those things.

I have believed all of those things.

But I refuse to get lost in those things.

I refuse to let them consume me.

Do I know what I am going to do?  Not right now I don’t.  I am trying not think about it, because right now the point is moot.  He and I have had no contact, and I am not planning on contacting him.  I still have some of his clothes, all of his good pants, which I actually starched and pressed the same night I found out he had been screwing around.  I am aware this is odd behavior, but there was something therapeutic in the ironing.  He texted me on Friday and asked if he could get his clothes, but I didn’t answer.  He texted on Saturday and asked the same, and I told him yes, and that I would let him know when.  I asked him to not bring her, out of respect.  He said he had kicked her out.  Should I believe him?  Probably not, but I suppose it’s possible he did kick her out.  Either way, I texted him a couple hours later and told him he could come get them, and to please bring my key.  I also told him it all seemed so final, and it made me sad.  I haven’t heard from him since.  I don’t think it was about the clothes.

 

These bruises..

image

Hunting Lessons

Did I give you the ammunition?

That’s what it feels like right now.

Fuck, I feel like I almost loaded the damn gun for you!

I opened my big mouth and told you where the sweet spot was.

You know, right where you needed to aim for, if you wanted to shoot to kill.

So you took your shot, and you hit your target.

Would I expect any less out of a country boy like you?

You should be proud; one shot, one kill.

Maybe now you can have me stuffed and mounted.

You can hang me on your wall, so when all the other women come to fuck you they can see what a successful hunter you are.

Much Ado About Nothing?

Anxiety/panic attack last Friday because texts go unanswered. (He was napping after work.)  Asks me if I want to rent a house in the country with him on Sunday. 

States of Being

This morning I feel like I want to jump out of my skin.  I want to break down and cry.  I want to run screaming out of my office and jump in my car and drive to you as fast as I can, so I can see your face.  I want you to make me feel better.  I want you to fix what is wrong inside me.  I want you to tell me that I am good and that you love even the broken parts of me.  I want, I want, I want…

Why is it that no response to a text message sent to you can send me into such a tailspin?  What is so fucked about my self-esteem that I can’t cope if you don’t respond right away when I am in a vulnerable state.  And why can’t I just leave that state behind?

Wants…I imagine that I want all these things, but in the end, what’s more important is what I need.  I need to learn to be okay with me, regardless of what’s going on around me.  How in the fuck do I do that?

Perception

I spent the end of last week, and the entire weekend thinking I was having issues in my relationship.  At least that was my perception.  I’m not entirely sure what KOAPH’s perception was, but when I finally got a chance to actually talk to him face to face last night, he acted like there was nothing wrong, and there never had been.

In fact, he wanted to know why I hadn’t texted or called him the whole weekend.  Are you serious??  I told him I had texted him on Thursday, and hadn’t received even one reply from him, so I thought maybe it was best if I didn’t have any contact with him, until he decided to contact me, considering the two “space” talks we had had in the last month or so.

I knew he was having a hard time.  He had been missing his son terribly, and his ex wasn’t exactly forthcoming with visitation.  He even traveled the whole distance to see him a couple of weeks ago, and even though it was supposed to be his weekend with his son, she planned a trip and took him out of town.  I called her a selfish bitch, but would have much preferred to use the term cunt.  Mind you, I don’t know her at all, but I don’t have much patience for women who aren’t willing to co-parent with their children’s fathers.  They bitch to everyone if they have a kid with a deadbeat dad who doesn’t want to see their child, but they’re not satisfied when their child’s father wants to participate either.  What the fuck??  Bitches like this give the rest of us who are working to establish a positive co-parenting environment, a bad name.

Anyway, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, and drove again to see his son.  He even took an extra day off work, because he was very emotional and just needed to see his boy.  The only reason I knew where he was, is because I saw a comment on FB.  I was overjoyed he was with his son, because I knew that’s right where he needed to be, and where his son needed him too.  When it was time to drop his boy back off with his mother, things didn’t go so well, because his son wanted to come home with him.  There were tears, from father and son.  By Monday evening though, he was feeling a bit better, because he had had a really positive weekend with his son.

I asked him why he didn’t tell me what was going on.  He told me it was because that wasn’t how he was raised, and he feels like he should handle it on his own, that I shouldn’t have to deal with it.  I told him that’s the beauty of being in a relationship–burdens can be shared.  I don’t have to fix his issues, and he doesn’t have to fix my issues, but by sharing them with each other it lightens the other’s load.  I just hope that next time he’s feeling down, and his load feels really heavy, he will open up a little more; at least leave the door cracked, instead of shutting it completely.

In Case You Were Interested. . . .

If you’re going to love me, there are a few things you should know.

1.  I expect you to love me with all of your being.  Yes, all of it.  You know why?  Because if I love you, I will love you with all of mine, so I only think it’s fair you do the same.  If you can’t love someone with all of your being, then what’s the point?

2.  Some days I won’t be easy to love.  I know some days you won’t be easy to love either, but on these days, I expect each of us to look at the other, and remember the reason we began loving each other in the first place.  Then we need to make a conscious effort to make each other laugh, because I know one of the reasons we will have begun loving each other is because we can always make each other laugh.

3.  Because you have a child (or if you have a child), I don’t always expect to come first, but I better be a damn close second.  You might not need me to be a mother to your child, and I know I don’t need you to be a father to mine, but being in a relationship with someone who already has children can be tough sometimes, but we still need to remember we are in a relationship.  I believe happy parents raise happy children, and well, just see #1, because if that’s what’s going on, everything will be okay.

4.  I don’t have to spend every waking moment, or every day with you.  However, I do expect to have daily contact with you.  Daily contact to me means speaking on the phone for at least a few minutes, if we cannot see each other, and we are not living together.  Texting doesn’t count.  Texting is lazy.

5.  I expect you to help me through tough times.  This doesn’t mean I think you need to pay my bills.  I need you to be there for me when I’m having a rough day, just like I will be there for you.

6.  I expect you to help me with projects.  No, I am not just trying to use you to do “man stuff” around my house.  I expect it, but it is very hard for me to ask for help.  I am stubborn, I am prideful, I am hard-headed, and I don’t like to be beholden to anyone.  I would imagine you are the same, because if you’re not, we probably wouldn’t have ever gotten together in the first place.  So please, volunteer to help me with stuff.  You helping me is sexy, and will get you tons of sex!

7.  I don’t have to have expensive gifts, but every once in awhile it would be nice to get thoughtful gifts.  I try to give the people I love thoughtful gifts, something that speaks to the type of person they are, and the things they like.  I like to receive thoughtful gifts, because it makes me feel like you’re paying attention, and that you really know me.

8.  I just realized this list could go on for awhile.  It’s not that I am telling you how to love me, I am just letting you know some of the ways I would like to be loved.  Do I like hear someone telling me they love me?  Of course.  Do I need to hear it 50 times a day?  No.  Do I need to be shown, through actions, that I am loved?  Yes, I do.  Love is a verb.

 

The Man Test List

A joint effort between me and my son.

A joint effort between me and my son.

About two and a half years ago, after I had told my loser ex-boyfriend, Mr. ASPD, to kick rocks for the last time, and got a PFA to drive my point home, my son and I came up with “The Man Test List”.  We happened to be sitting in a restaurant, waiting for our food, and I brought up the idea of making a list of qualities I would like to have in a guy.  I had seen this list thing on Oprah awhile before this–you know, the one where they say to write a bunch of the qualities down you want in a man, and then put it away, and the guy with those qualities will come to you?  After being with Mr. ASPD for 3 1/2 years and enduring loads of bullshit, I figured what the hell, I would try anything to get a good guy.  So, my son and I put together the pictured list.

Pretty easy to tell the things he was concerned about—“knows how to sharpen sticks” and “good at video games”, but he also came up with the “good job he can stay at a long time and not get hurt”.  I think that last one came from the fact that Mr. ASPD did concrete work, and had hurt his back about 9 months before I booted his ass out (I won’t go into the numerous pain killers he was on and what an ass he became when he was taking them).  I guess I wasn’t the only one who got tired of hearing about how bad his back hurt!  Funny how kids pick up on those things too.

I have never put these items in any order of importance.  I’m not sure if I could.  Do I have to have a man who dances country?  No, I can live without him being able to dance, but it would probably be a good thing if he likes country music.  Does he have to love cats?  Well, not love them, but he would have to put up with them since we have 2 in this house.  The sticks and the video games?  I don’t think my son is very concerned about a guy having those particular talents anymore.  The rest of the stuff on the list?  I wouldn’t consider any of them negotiable.  I think I am all of those things, so why wouldn’t I want a man who is all of those things?

Many of the guys I have come across since I came up with this list don’t have even half of these qualities.  Most of them don’t possess the loyal and trustworthy traits, which are key, regardless of whether they have the funny, smart, and caring ones.  I guess my point is this:  you better bring it.  Like I said, I pride myself on being pretty much all of these things, and more, so if you want to be with this girl, you best bring your “A” game, because I’m not fucking around.  I can put up with a lot of shit from a good man, but I won’t put up with shit from just any man.

 

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