Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

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Ducks and Pigeons

The following is an analogy given to me by my boss the other day, while sitting around the lunch table complaining about my dating dossier and wondering aloud why all the men I have been involved with in the last twelve years, including my ex-husband, have felt the need to cheat on me.
“Say you’re hunting ducks.  You’ve got your duck call and you’re blowing it, but the ducks aren’t coming.  All you keep getting are pigeons. Maybe you just think you want a duck.  Maybe, you need to learn to like pigeons.”

 

Here, pigeon, pigeon. . .

Here, pigeon, pigeon. . .

 

P.S.  What’s quite ironic about this whole analogy?  I dressed up as Carol Burnett’s “Pigeon Lady” character one year for Halloween when I was just in elementary school.

Ode to Friday Night

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the neon of my favorite beer sign,

and the glow of the jukebox!

The temptress, thy name be Miller light, she beckons me,

in her tall, frosty can of blue and gold,

Bring me to your lips my sweet,

Drink of my goodness,

Cleanse yourself of Monday through Thursday,

Wash it all away with my hops and barley.

The strife of your week can be seen upon your countenance,

it can be heard in the lyrics of your voice,

as you render a hearty belch to the gods of beer!

Oh, how I love thee!

Let me count the ways!

You never fail to let me down with your frosty goodness,

You take all my troubles away and leave me with wit and the ability to make merriment wherever I go!

You give me the ability to see things differently than they really are,

almost as if I was bespectacled!

And every once in awhile you cause me to ply a man with my feminine wiles and get me laid.

Fuck, I love you beer!!

Rico Suave and Douchebags: They have more in common than you thought!

Are you fucking serious?  You proposition me for sex, then send me pictures of other women, telling me how “smokin’ hot” they are?  Does this normally work for you?  How does one get so Rico Suave??

Rico

But you don’t stop there, because obviously, there is no end to your coolness.  You send me a picture of some chick, who seemingly wants you so bad she won’t leave her husband for you, sans clothing.  Yes, you read it correctly–naked.  Full frontal, all her lady bits hanging out for god and everybody to see, including her monkey face with the upper lip (on her face) that needs waxing.  I am unsure if the other parts of her need waxing, because I didn’t look that close, but what possesses even a Fuck Stick like you, to send another woman pictures of another naked woman, who you are claiming to have been intimate with?

First of all, ladies, I can’t stress this enough, DO NOT EVER SEND NAKED PICTURES TO A MAN WITH YOUR FACE INCLUDED IN THEM!!  I thought this was just good common sense, but the ability to do something like text naked pictures to fuck sticks, has obviously overridden some women’s common sense.  I am not telling you not to “sext”, but let’s be a little bit smarter about it!  I love to sext just as much as the next horny chick, but if you’re going to send a man “those kinds of pictures”, don’t ever include your face!!  These could be used against you at some point, or just used in general by a Fuck Stick, who I guess is trying to make some sort of point by sending it, but I’m not really sure what the point is.

Oh, wait!  I think I know!

As in, "your grandma's old. . . . "

As in, “your grandma’s old. . . . “

It’s that he must be an even bigger douchebag than I thought he was!

Purging

Do I seem desperate to you?

Do you think you’re my only option for companionship?

You have yourself fooled, because you’re not.

I could’ve had the hook-up with another guy the night after I caught you with your pants down. 

So you know what?  Fuck you. 

Or better yet, go fuck yourself, because I wouldn’t fuck you with that skanky McDonald’s window working welfare whore’s vagina!! 

April Fools

Well, I would fall into the category of an April Fool, I suppose, because I was born in April.  Maybe that explains my bad choices in men!  I decided to get in the spirit of the day, and do a little fooling myself, you know, kind of like the Def Leppard song.  Sorry, 80’s reference, forgive my wandering ADD mind!

I chose what else, but Facebook, to play my prank.  I usually don’t have a relationship status posted on my page, so I thought I would just jump right in, and go from nothing to ninety and say that I was “Engaged”!!  Needless to say, the shit blew up!  I even posted a pic of me wearing my fake engagement ring.  There were many people who believed me, like they were genuinely happy for me because they thought I had found some man who thought I was the bee’s knees and would buy me this really big rock and proclaim his love for me on April Fool’s Day.  Then there were these other fuckers, who left these comments like, “I know that’s not true”, and other shit like that, insinuating that I could never have a relationship which would lead to marriage.

Wow!  Kind of hurtful.  I mean, really?  The whole thing was in fun.  Did I really hurt anyone by doing it?  I am pretty thick skinned, but what do they mean by saying those kinds of things?  Can all these people never see me being in a successful relationship, or can they just never see me jumping on that particular bandwagon again?

What do you all think?  Do I seem like the marrying type to you??

 

Understanding Through Immersion

Don’t you understand
that in order to find my way out of it
I must immerse myself in it
I can’t just float on the surface of it
I must be completely submerged
almost drowning in it
unable to make it up for air
lungs burning from lack of oxygen
fighting and flailing upward
and breaking free from it
at the last possible moment
It’s the only way
I know how to live
By almost dying
each and every time
Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel things
So deeply

Dragon’s Loyalty Award

Dragon's Loyalty

 

I guess this must be my award season!  For the second time this week, I have been nominated for an award, this time by Kira, over at Wrestling Life.  She is a great supporter of my blog, and like me, seems to feel that poetry can be quite cathartic.  She also said some very kind words about her nominees, like that she has drawn strengths from their posts and their encouraging comments.  I always hope that something I write can help someone, either through laughter, or just by letting them know they aren’t alone.

I have to admit I am terrible at passing these things on though.  It’s not because there aren’t many deserving bloggers out there, it’s because I get lazy.  In general, I am not a lazy person.  However, when it comes to making that damn list, with all the links to the blogs, I just don’t want to do it because it takes too much time.  Piss poor excuse, huh?  But, that’s the reason.  Of course at some point, if I’m not feeling lazy, I can always pass the award on right?

With that said, it is still so nice to get the awards, and know that people are reading and appreciating my ramblings!  And in the spirit of the award, and just because I like lists in general, I will share the seven unknown facts about me.  Are you ready??

1.  I shave my arms.  It’s not that I am overly hairy, but I just don’t care for having body hair in general.  Weird??  lol

2.  My idea of dress shoes is a good pair of cowboy boots.  I will put on a dress every once in awhile, but I am more comfortable in boots and jeans.

3.  My favorite place to spend time is by the water.  There is something about water that soothes the savage beast in me.

4.  I have ADD.  I have tried medicine for it, but I really don’t like taking pills if I don’t have to, so I just try to deal with it the best I can.  I drive my mother crazy sometimes because I rarely finish one project without diving into another.

5.  I wish I had enough money to get a tummy tuck.  I think my tits still look pretty good, but it would be nice to have my tummy fixed after my recent weight loss.  Plus, if I did, I could fit into another size smaller jeans.  Feel badly for me and start taking up a collection, please.

6.  I believe laughter can cure pretty much everything.

7.  Even though I am a very competent swimmer, I have a fear of drowning.

 

*I reserve the right to pass this award on when I don’t feel so damn lazy.

 

 

How I Imagine Love Will Make Me Feel. . . .

true_love-196230

You Are My Sunshine!

 

You Are My Sunshine!

Wow. . .I haven’t felt much like anyone’s sunshine after the week I have been through, but Kirsten, over at Kirsten H. Whyte, has so kindly bestowed the Sunshine Award Nomination on me.  I really, truly, can only hope that something I write might inspire–well, at least inspire laughter, in someone.  I honestly believe that laughter is the cure to all that ails society.  Over the last week, even though I have cried numerous tears, I have managed to have much laughter.  If you can’t laugh at yourself, then go to Walmart, and you will see plenty of shit to laugh about!!

I do have to tell you that I chose this particular picture to accompany this entry, because it looks like a sunflower, and I am a Kansas girl!!  However, the picture I really wanted to use, can be seen at Drawn2Life.  I couldn’t use hers, because I didn’t have permission, but it is her amazing watercolor interpretation.  Go check out her work, because it is beautiful and inspiring!

Now to answer my “sunshiney” questions from Kirsten!

 

  1. “The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip-horray. The sun has got his hat on and he’s coming out today.” Did the sun come out for you today (either physically or metaphorically)?  It was kind of sunny here today, enough so to help me put on a happy face.  I LOVE the sun!!
  2. Do you wish that you could walk on the clouds?  When you’re looking out the window of an airplane at cruising altitude, it appears as though you could walk on the clouds, but I imagine it would be kind of like walking in one of those stupid blow-up things.
  3. When the Sun burns out, do you think that a) Humans will have evolved so that they don’t need the Sun, b) Humans will have invented a Sun substitute, or c) the world as we know it will shrivel and die?  I think if the sun burns out, the world should shrivel and die.  I know I wouldn’t want to be around to see the end to the sun.
  4. Have you seen the 2007 British science fiction adventure thriller film, Sunshine, directed by Danny Boyle?  No.  I am not much of a sci-fi fan.
  5. ‘Good Morning Sunshine!’ or ‘Grr, leave me alone until I’ve had coffee’?  During the week I am up before the sun, and most weekends too!!  I am a morning person!
  6. It’s an unexpectedly sunny day and you have the whole day to yourself, what do you do?  Work in the yard, or just lie around and bask in it, reading a book and drinking beer!
  7. The sun is always depicted in Children’s books with a smiley face. Do you think the sun is always happy and is he/she friends with the Man in the Moon?  It’s yin and yang, isn’t it?  Aren’t they just really two sides of the same coin??
  8. The sun always shines on TV, true or false?  False.
  9. Sun bathing – good or bad?  Good!!  I think it’s a must for people to be healthy!  You can over-do it though.
  10. Would you like to live somewhere where the sun always shines, 24 hours a day?  No, because I would have a difficult time shutting my body down.

I have to say, I don’t have the time right now to pass this award on.  I haven’t had a chance lately to really delve into the blogs I follow on a regular basis, or to check out new ones.  Hopefully, I will be able to bestow the nomination on some others real soon.  Thanks again Kirsten!!

 

 

The Blame Game

Yes, it’s all my fault.  You have had absolutely no hand in anything that’s gone on in this relationship.  I made you come to my house all those nights.  I made you meet some of my family and my friends.  I forced you to let me meet your son.  I shoved the fucking food I had cooked down your throat.  I made you wash your clothes at my house and use my laundry detergent.  I made you talk until all hours of the night so you couldn’t get any sleep.  I made you wake me up in the middle of the night, sometimes more than once, to have sex.  I made you give me a key to your house.  I made you let me drive you to drop your son off at the meeting point with your ex.  I made you miss paying your bills because you don’t have enough time to yourself.  Oh, and because I was so “smothering”, I made you fuck that other chick.

Are you fucking kidding me??  How old are you?  I thought you were 42, but obviously, that’s only chronologically.  Emotionally I think you’re about 12.  Wait–that might be giving you a couple too many years, because my son is 12, and he can take more responsibility for his behavior and decisions than you can!

But guess what Fuck Stick?  I’m not going to own it.  It’s not mine to own, so I refuse to.  If you can’t take responsibility for yourself and your actions, you’re not a man.  You have no balls, and I have absolutely no patience for a man who has no balls.

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