Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Fool for Your Love

I have spent the better part of the last 12 years of holidays alone.  I don’t mean alone without my son, or family, I mean alone without a special man in my life.  Maybe you’re thinking I should be more grateful for what I do have.  Maybe you’re right; maybe I should.  But I am still left wondering if I will spend the rest of my life alone.  Should I resign myself to loneliness?  Should I give up hoping there is that certain guy out there, who is wishing for me, like I am wishing for him?  I can’t seem to stop hoping.  I want to give up.  I think it would be easier if I could give up, but I can’t.  I am a fool.

Bursting Bubbles over at Seasons of Insanity

I just had the pleasure of doing Radar over at Seasons of Insanity. Oops, I meant to say, I just had the pleasure of doing a guest blog over at Seasons of Insanity. Silly me, I am quite confused!  But after the week I have had–Liebster nomination and guest blog–given to me by the only guy I know who has made perversion a true art form,who wouldn’t be??  You might think I have been giving him sexual favors or something. Not true!! I don’t put out for anything in return, I do it for pure pleasure. 😉 I know I am so full of shit, but just go over and take a read. Check out some of that zombie shit while you’re there too, because after tomorrow you’re going to need it!

Gum, Balloons, Bubbles. . . Things That Burst

I Never Win Nothin’

Liebster Blog Award

That just happened! Not sure how, or why, but Rob aka Radar O Nelson, (or is it O’Nelson and he’s a wee bit Irish??, or maybe the “O” stands for “as in the “O” face??), over at Seasons of Insanity, has nominated me for the Liebster Blog Award. I can’t remember how I stumbled across Rob’s blog, or he stumbled across mine, which in turn led me to his or what, because all of this shit is just like a big ‘ol blog orgy, and one leads to another, which leads to another, and in the end garners lots of mutual satisfaction. Either way, I want to thank “O-Face” Nelson, who took time out of his busy Zombie Apocalypse preparation schedule to nominate me for this award. I also want to thank you for being a downright pervy bastard who isn’t afraid to just throw shit out there, like the fact you’ve had a 3-some! Sshhh. . .did you hear that? That was dudes everywhere giving him a big fucking high-five for that shit! Seriously though, most of all I want to thank him for his service, and giving up 20 years of his life to serve our country. I am a proud supporter of our military, and get to spew my own personal brand of bullshit on this here internet because of guys just like you. Sending you much love my man. 🙂

Now, on to the task at hand and answering all these fucking questions and coming up with some clever new ones, as if I didn’t have enough shit to do with fucking Christmas only being a week away! Just kidding!! I can now sit here and have another cup of coffee instead of getting busy doing what I really need to, so this totally rocks!

These are the rules:

When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure you notify the blogger that you nominated them!)
You write up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated your own blog!
You paste the award picture into your blog. (You can Google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Eleven Random Facts About Me:

1. I went to college on a vocal scholarship.
2. I love pork rinds. Even though some guys probably think it’s totally gross for a chick to eat pork rinds, I just fucking love them.
3. I once quit drinking for 13 years.
4. I worry I will be alone for the rest of my life.
5. I have a collection of milk glass and cream pitchers.
6. Even though they are not overly hairy or dark, I shave the hair on my arms and knuckles because it grosses me out.
7. Even though I wore braces for 2 1/2 painful years, when I got my wisdom teeth removed, the space between my two front teeth returned. This pisses me off.
8. I have slight hoarding tendencies paired with ADD and OCD. Yep, I am pretty much fucked. I tend to look like a hamster running around on a wheel most days.
9. I like to take old things and make them new again.
10. I miss talking on the phone to people.
11. I still believe in big love.

Radar’s Questions for me:

1. Where were you born? In a tar paper shack. No, not really. I was born in a hospital. . . in a small town. . .in Kansas. . .which shall remain anonymous to protect others.

2. What is your favorite place to visit? I never go anywhere really, so I couldn’t say, but my favorite place to “be”, is near the water, preferably the lake.

3. What is your favorite celebrity? Carol Burnett

4. What is your favorite holiday? Halloween

5. Have you traveled outside your own country of origin? Yes, my ex husband is in the Army, and we lived in Germany for 3 years.

6. What is your favorite color? Right now it seems to be turquoise, but that could change.

7. Do you like to dance? Love to dance!! My favorite type is country couples dancing, but will cut a rug to just about anything.

8. What is your favorite type of music? I can’t choose just one, because I love music too much.

9. What is your favorite band? One of my faves is AC/DC.

10. What is your favorite meal? Ribeye steak.

11. What is your favorite Christmas feast? Nothing traditional. I prefer doing steak or different types of soups.

So now I guess it’s my turn to spread the love around! Can I come up with 11 people to bestow this honor on?? I realize some of these people have probably been nominated for this award already, so if you have, forgive me, I guess you can toss it aside, or skip the questions, or just do whatever with it. Currently my blog roll is only so big, and I can’t even nominate the person who nominated me, so that cuts down on my choices too! So, without further adieu, I hereby nominate the following:

1. http://jasonwrites.com/

2. http://fromtimbertotide.com/

3. http://stealingpesosoutofmybrain.com/

4. http://excitementontheside.com/

5. http://righttobitch.com/

6. http://adlibb3d.wordpress.com/

7. http://betterlikeme.com/

8. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/

9. http://mccrabass.wordpress.com/

10. http://truthaccordingtotom.wordpress.com/

11. http://35andonlinedating.wordpress.com/

I guess I am supposed to notify all of you that you have been nominated, so I will try to get to that sometime today. Here are your 11 really important questions:

1. How do you like your steaks cooked?

2. Favorite movie?

3. Do you recycle?

4. Do you read?

5. If you do read, do you still prefer the feel of a book in your hand, or have you gone “techno”??

6. One word for the reason why you blog.

7. Do you hang the toilet paper to roll over, or under? (Before you answer this, just know that if you hang it under, you are a total freak of nature.)

8. Favorite season?

9. Cats or dogs, or both?

10. When was the last time you did something nice for someone, with no expectation of return?

11. Do you believe in Karma?

There they are, in all their glory. Like I said, answer them, or don’t answer them. Pass them on or don’t pass them on. Cuss me or thank me. Just remember, I didn’t start this shit, I am merely being generous in this wonderful season of giving.

Impotence

No point in voicing my opinion
Everyone feels the need to weigh in
To attempt to make sense
of something that will never make sense
Everyone thinks
their way
is the right way
No matter what
it is done
and there is nothing you can do
Impotence
It’s just these sorts of things
Which make you realize how weak you are
The slippery slope that is this life
we try to live every day
Grasping
What is always just out of our reach
As an individual
As a nation
As a world

Every Storm. . .

I want to be humorous, but I just can’t. This shit has got me down. The holiday, my job, the state of my fixer-upper house. I don’t have the fucking energy to be funny. Of course I don’t think anyone has that expectation of me; to be funny all the time. I’ve never intentionally tried to be funny every day, because that’s not what this blog is about. This blog is about me, being me. Some days I am funny, at a minimum I am sarcastic and bitchy, and other days I am just downright rude and socially unacceptable. Tonight, I am tired and bitchy, my job offers me no challenges, I ain’t been laid in so many godddamn fortnights (I just found out what that word actually means last week, so I’m using it in a fucking sentence) I can’t even count, and it’s fucking Christmas in a little over a week.

Could things be worse? Definitely. Should I be more grateful? Probably. But if there’s one thing I know about me, it’s that I have to ride the waves, whatever type of waves they might be. Eventually, the water will be calm again, and I can have a little peace.

Gary Allan says every storm runs out of rain. . .sing my life. . .

 

It’s been how long??

Trying to figure out how long it takes to reach “born-again virgin” status.  Not that I am striving for it or anything, it’s just something that is happening naturally.  I don’t see sex in my near future, and that really pisses me the fuck off.

USA–Hell Yeah!!

Programmed to bleed red, white, and blue. . . .a great tribute to our men and women in uniform.  Fuck yeah, ‘Merica, fuck yeah, Kid Rock!

Disappearing Acts

If I disappeared, how many people would notice?

Not many.

Maybe a handful.

Would you?

No, you wouldn’t either.

You don’t even notice me when I’m here.

My phone never rings.

You don’t write.

See? You’ve already forgotten about me.

Rednecks V Hillbillies

Pooptunias

Pooptunias

As of last weekend I have officially earned “hillbilly” status.  Previously I was only a “redneck”, but hillbilly-ed it up by having a used toilet placed in my backyard. Now, for all you high-falutin’ folks who read my blog, some explanation of the terms “redneck” and “hillbilly” might be necessary.

In an attempt to help you understand, I have consulted with the all-knowing Urban Dictionary, but have figured out they don’t know shit when it comes to these terms, so I will just give you my definitions.

Redneck – I was born in a small town, and I live in a small town. Oh wait, those are lyrics from a John Cougar song, or is it a John Cougar Mellencamp song? I was in reality, born in a small town, and grew up in small towns, and live in a bigger town now. I enjoy participating in “redneck” activities: BBQ, beer drinking, bonfires, boating, mudding, getting dressed up in jeans and shit kickers and hitting the town for some 2-stepping. The first vehicle I learned to drive was a truck, and it had not only a gun rack in it, but also a fancy-schmancy wire thing, which hung from the ceiling, to put your cowboy hat in. My dad didn’t own a pair of tennis shoes, and wore boots with cut-offs at the lake. My brother followed suit as a child, and would often run around in boots and jeans in the middle of summer when temps would reach 105. Now my brother will don “Daisy Dukes” at the lake. (Yes, shocking isn’t it, especially when you have read about the back hair thing.) In high school I always tended to gravitate towards those guys with big pickup trucks, and I have to admit I still love a guy with a big truck. Men who drive cars tend to not get my sense of humor, and what good is a dude who can’t haul some shit around when you need him to?? We are all hard workers, not afraid of manual labor, and will do pretty much anything to earn a dollar to keep our loved ones fed. My brother and my dad do enjoy watching NASCAR, but it leaves me cold. I do love that damn Ricky Bobby movie though, and recently purchased a copy so I can watch it whenever I want. Now don’t get me wrong, I by no means think my little definition encompasses what it means to “be redneck”. In general, I think most people who grew up in, or around the country, probably associate with “being redneck”. If you grew up in the city, but can relate to this definition, then you are lucky as hell! Make your way to the nearest city exit and get the hell out of there and find yourself some country living!

Hillbilly –

Redneck + toilet sitting in your backyard = hillbilly
Redneck + two teeth = hillbilly
Redneck + eating parts of animals which are only sold at the meat counter in grocery stores in Arkansas = hillbilly
Redneck + eating any sort of vermin, to include possum = hillbilly
Redneck + making moonshine = hillbilly
Redneck + banjos = hillbilly

I think that about covers it. I hope I have helped you understand the difference between rednecks and hillbillies. I am a proud redneck, and quite comfortable with the title. Can’t say I wanted to cross the line to hillbilly though. However, if I can’t find some redneck dude with a big pickup truck to haul some shit for me, and said toilet is still in my backyard come spring, I shall be forced to plant flowers in it. Once that happens, there will be no turning back.

Because I Am Single

I don’t have to answer to you.

I have the right to change my mind.

I don’t have to consult with you when I want to make plans.

I can dance with every guy in the bar.

I can flirt shamelessly.

I can go an extra couple of days without shaving my legs.

I can sleep all over the whole bed.

I can decorate my house however I want.

 

 

*I am writing this in an attempt to help myself feel better about my singlehood.

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