Fat Bottom Girl Said What

I’m a surly sourpuss and

You’re. . .  fingernails on a chalkboard

and a toothache

and a paper cut with salt in it

and the itch that can’t be scratched

and the screaming neighbor kid

and a piece of hair in my mouth

and the peppercorn in between my teeth

and the underwear that crawl up my ass

and the jeans that let my ass crack hang out

and the package that never gets her on time

and the customer service agent whose English can’t be understood

and the gum on the bottom of my shoe

and the person ahead of me in line who needs a price check

and you’re the late plane

and the early departure

and the crack in the sidewalk to be tripped over

and the pizza cheese that’s too hot and sticks to the roof of my mouth

and the lukewarm coffee

and the slow driver

and the road construction

and the black ice

and the long nose hair

and the pen that runs out of ink halfway through my signature

and the sold item in the store that I went there special for

and the bum wheel on the grocery cart

and the bird shit on my freshly washed car

and the hole in my favorite pants

and the broken underwire in my bra

You’re just annoying the fuck out of me, so get out of here and leave me alone.