Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the month “April, 2013”

Ode to Friday Night

What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the neon of my favorite beer sign,

and the glow of the jukebox!

The temptress, thy name be Miller light, she beckons me,

in her tall, frosty can of blue and gold,

Bring me to your lips my sweet,

Drink of my goodness,

Cleanse yourself of Monday through Thursday,

Wash it all away with my hops and barley.

The strife of your week can be seen upon your countenance,

it can be heard in the lyrics of your voice,

as you render a hearty belch to the gods of beer!

Oh, how I love thee!

Let me count the ways!

You never fail to let me down with your frosty goodness,

You take all my troubles away and leave me with wit and the ability to make merriment wherever I go!

You give me the ability to see things differently than they really are,

almost as if I was bespectacled!

And every once in awhile you cause me to ply a man with my feminine wiles and get me laid.

Fuck, I love you beer!!

Rico Suave and Douchebags: They have more in common than you thought!

Are you fucking serious?  You proposition me for sex, then send me pictures of other women, telling me how “smokin’ hot” they are?  Does this normally work for you?  How does one get so Rico Suave??

Rico

But you don’t stop there, because obviously, there is no end to your coolness.  You send me a picture of some chick, who seemingly wants you so bad she won’t leave her husband for you, sans clothing.  Yes, you read it correctly–naked.  Full frontal, all her lady bits hanging out for god and everybody to see, including her monkey face with the upper lip (on her face) that needs waxing.  I am unsure if the other parts of her need waxing, because I didn’t look that close, but what possesses even a Fuck Stick like you, to send another woman pictures of another naked woman, who you are claiming to have been intimate with?

First of all, ladies, I can’t stress this enough, DO NOT EVER SEND NAKED PICTURES TO A MAN WITH YOUR FACE INCLUDED IN THEM!!  I thought this was just good common sense, but the ability to do something like text naked pictures to fuck sticks, has obviously overridden some women’s common sense.  I am not telling you not to “sext”, but let’s be a little bit smarter about it!  I love to sext just as much as the next horny chick, but if you’re going to send a man “those kinds of pictures”, don’t ever include your face!!  These could be used against you at some point, or just used in general by a Fuck Stick, who I guess is trying to make some sort of point by sending it, but I’m not really sure what the point is.

Oh, wait!  I think I know!

As in, "your grandma's old. . . . "

As in, “your grandma’s old. . . . “

It’s that he must be an even bigger douchebag than I thought he was!

Purging

Do I seem desperate to you?

Do you think you’re my only option for companionship?

You have yourself fooled, because you’re not.

I could’ve had the hook-up with another guy the night after I caught you with your pants down. 

So you know what?  Fuck you. 

Or better yet, go fuck yourself, because I wouldn’t fuck you with that skanky McDonald’s window working welfare whore’s vagina!! 

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Ummm, yeah, that’s because I’ve just been roasted by some Beastie Boy looking motherfucker named Adam over at My Right to Bitch.  Well, for now that’s the name of his blog, but he is currently in transition.  No, not that kind of transition, but a transition to a softer, gentler, more pussy whipped, feel good, kind of blog.  It quite possibly is the result of his impending pregnancy, and all I can say is, take your folic acid and give up those damn cigarettes for the sake of that baby!!

On the serious side, I find Adam to be an extremely talented writer, and love going tit for tat with him.  He is a great supporter of my blog, and for that, I am forever grateful, and do feel truly blessed to have earned a spot in his roast.  Just for the record, I do find time to shave my shit, and even occasionally am able to hide my crazy, but usually only in public places.

Read on dear followers and feel the burn!!

The First Inaugural MRTB Roast

April Fools

Well, I would fall into the category of an April Fool, I suppose, because I was born in April.  Maybe that explains my bad choices in men!  I decided to get in the spirit of the day, and do a little fooling myself, you know, kind of like the Def Leppard song.  Sorry, 80’s reference, forgive my wandering ADD mind!

I chose what else, but Facebook, to play my prank.  I usually don’t have a relationship status posted on my page, so I thought I would just jump right in, and go from nothing to ninety and say that I was “Engaged”!!  Needless to say, the shit blew up!  I even posted a pic of me wearing my fake engagement ring.  There were many people who believed me, like they were genuinely happy for me because they thought I had found some man who thought I was the bee’s knees and would buy me this really big rock and proclaim his love for me on April Fool’s Day.  Then there were these other fuckers, who left these comments like, “I know that’s not true”, and other shit like that, insinuating that I could never have a relationship which would lead to marriage.

Wow!  Kind of hurtful.  I mean, really?  The whole thing was in fun.  Did I really hurt anyone by doing it?  I am pretty thick skinned, but what do they mean by saying those kinds of things?  Can all these people never see me being in a successful relationship, or can they just never see me jumping on that particular bandwagon again?

What do you all think?  Do I seem like the marrying type to you??

 

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