Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “fat bottom girls”

Cult Followings

How in the hell am I supposed to amass a cult following if I have no followers??  Seriously people, where did all my stalkers go?

What’s that?  You said I basically dropped off the face of the earth during this last year and didn’t post on regular basis so you all abandoned this fat bottom ship?

Okay, I see how you are.

Well, I’m back.  At least for now.  I’ll be here when the feeling hits me

I’ve promised myself I won’t worry about stats, even though obviously I do because I hate not having any followers.  Doesn’t every writer want to be wildly popular?  Seriously, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t have a fucking blog, so you might as well be honest about being an attention whore.

So in the spirit of attention whoring, here’s something I want you to do–follow me on Twitter at @fatbottomgirl1.  The one is because I’m the fucking original, and all the others are just imitations

I tweet some hilarious shit, it’s just that no one ever reads it.  If you don’t follow me, here’s some of the shit you’ve missed:

I wore all black to work the other day.  Boss asked if I had a funeral.  I told him yes, a little piece of me dies each day I come there.

What’s the big deal about a thigh gap?  If I stand around with my legs spread I have a fucking thigh gap too.

Found out an ex-bf’s wife is now a photographer.  Let’s hope she can photoshop him a bigger penis.

My hands smell like Vaseline and bacon.  I must be at a sex party with really good snacks.

Your average Kansas bar is basically Walmart with beer.

On a pessimism scale I’m a cat.  Regardless of how much anything there is, my bowl is always half full.

Why does all corned beef in a can come from Argentina? Is that the only place beef is cornable?

46 quickly approaches making bifocals a necessity for all close-up work, even blow jobs.

Hobby Lobby’s so  holy roller it makes me feel like the ultimate atheist sinner when I shop there.

For some reason I feel like this day was a total waste of pants.

Beware men who write under a pseudonym. But mostly who live life under one.

Can deep throat a 10′ dick but gags while trying to brush the back of her tongue. #pornstarproblems

You should actually get out of your marriage before getting into. . . .another woman’s vagina.

If Bartles & James is more appreciative of your support than your current SO, you might be in the wrong relationship.

Revenge is a dish best served. . . .with wine. Lots of wine.

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All About That Bass

You had to know I would post it sooner or later.  How could I let this cute little ditty about big booties slip by?  And I can shake it, shake it too.  As a matter of fact, I was just shaking it around my kitchen last night to the Grease soundtrack while cooking supper.  As always, regardless of your booty size, find a little time every day to shake your boom boom because it’s good for the spirit.

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I’m supposed to do
Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

I see the magazines workin’ that Photoshop
We know that shit ain’t real
C’mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty beauty, just raise ’em up
Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top

Yeah, my mama she told me don’t worry about your size
She says boys like a little more booty to hold at night
You know I won’t be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along

Because you know I’m
All about that bass
‘Bout that bass, no treble
I’m all about that bass
‘Bout that bass, no treble
I’m all about that bass
‘Bout that bass, no treble
I’m all about that bass
‘Bout that bass
Hey!

I’m bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that
No I’m just playing I know you think you’re fat
But I’m here to tell ya
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

2014 – The Year of the Fat Bottom Girl

The Chinese New Year calendar says it’s the year of the horse, but I’ve decided to shake shit up and make it The Year of the Fat Bottom Girl.  Because I can.

Have you ever noticed the sub-title of my blog? “It’s not about the ass, it’s about the attitude”? That’s not entirely true. It’s kind of about the ass.  Many of you have probably wondered about the size of my ass. Or possibly you have speculated aloud, some even telling me that they believed my ass wasn’t really that big, even though I call myself the Fat Bottom Girl. But here’s the deal–baby got back. I got a little junk in my trunk. I’m packing a little meat in my seat.  That’s right, this ass be bootylicious.

To get slightly serious for a moment, as I begin 2014, I am on a quest to be more accepting of my body. To be kinder to myself when I look in the mirror, and I want the rest of my fat bottom girl crew to come along on this quest with me. It’s time to embrace the skin you’re in! It’s time to be okay with having a juicy booty! (That does not mean run out and buy sweatpants with “juicy” monogrammed across the ass!  That shit is just plain tacky!)

My goal is to be able to look at my ass in the mirror, and have the first thing that runs across my mind be, “Damn girl, you don’t just have a can, you got a can-can”, or, “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'”, instead of looking at it in disgust and comparing myself to some composite woman in my mind who has been pieced together through advertisements and tapes of old boyfriends telling me what I am lacking.

Ladies, it’s time to embrace your fat bottoms! Gentlemen, if you’re like Sir Mix-A-Lot and like your woman with some curves, let it be known! Give her a smack on that ass every once in awhile, and tell her you love her each week day, each velvety cheek day.

This Fat Bottom Girl is going to make sure 2014 is a great year, and to kick it off right, I’ve put together a video list –  “Ode to Fat Bottoms”. So get up, shake that healthy butt, and enjoy!

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