Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Archive for the tag “abuse”

BAGGAGE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You didn’t know me before. . .

Before
life seemed to drive me to be jaded, untrusting, wary, fearful

Marked now
with scars and bruises
some evident
others not noticeable to the naked eye

So much history
packed away
stashed
concealed
camouflaged and ensconced
in the baggage I carry
(we all tote something)

suitcase
duffle
backpack
carpet bag
steamer trunk

If you were to say to me,
“Set them down babe,
the burden of what you carry could cause Atlas to collapse from exhaustion,
take each item out when you’re ready,
I’m here to help,
I’m not here to judge”

And if I actually find the courage
to take out the key
and turn that key in the lock
and throw open the lid
would you really stand there
while I release my own type of Pandora’s boxed goods

Because if you did. . . .

I might need you to hold my hand
take my elbow to steady me
on my feet
when my knees threaten to buckle
from the weight
of some of it as I lift it out

I may need you to dry my tears
and pull me close
and tell me you appreciate
all the things I’ve carried
because they’ve made me who I am today

I may need you to crack jokes
so that I may laugh
to purge myself of all the negativity
and misconceptions
I’ve pulled from inside these vessels of wounds

I may need you to love me

Kindred Spirits

I may stumble,

or falter,

But I will never fall again

because of a man.

I have withstood—

words spoke in anger,

infidelities,

lies,

being left while pregnant,

a lit cigarette put out on my face,

the threats of death if I should ever break free,

silence,

and all the rest of the fallout,

which I will carry the rest of my life.

I am strong—

not only because I feel I have to be,

but because I choose to be.

Does my past bother you?

It haunts me.

Stalking me and

Pouncing

When I least expect it.

Do you feel the same?

That there can never be peace?

That it will always find you?

Maybe we are more alike than you know.

 

I Am Woman!!

I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t be cool. The anxiety is starting to set in.  I can’t control the fear he just won’t even show up.  It has happened to me before, so every time that creeps into my head.  It’s probably why I don’t date.  I like to act tough, and think I’m this big risk taker, and brag about how I’m getting out there and trying, but then when it comes down to it, I fucking panic.  Yep, full-fledged, holy shit, I think I really like this guy and what if he stands me up or worse yet I fall for him and he breaks my heart and fucks me over kind of panic.  Yeah, I know that’s a run-on sentence–don’t judge, I’m having a fucking crisis here!!  If the run-on sentence bothers you, you better prepare yourself, because this shit actually calls for a run-on paragraph!!  Why is it that regardless of how long it’s been since you’ve been abused, that shit is right back there like it was yesterday when certain situations come up?  I don’t want to live like a victim and hide in my house and never take a chance at love again dammit!!  I want to survive, and thrive, and be all that I was meant to be before I met a couple of asshole guys, who mean nothing!!  I will get through this, and if he doesn’t turn out to be “the one”, I will go on looking and trying to find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated!!  I do have to say this guy seems pretty cool. . .he’s successful, he’s driven, he’s fucking hilarious, he seems to get me and told me last night he finds me intriguing.  WTF??  He must be insane!!  He is coming here to take me out, and when I said something about picking a restaurant he asked me if I would be opposed to him planning the date.  Are you kidding??  I can’t remember the last time a man planned a date for me. . .hard enough to remember the last time I had a date!  It makes me feel kind of special, and I haven’t felt that way in a long time.  But, the doubts creep in, and that negative self-talk starts—me telling myself I’m not special, and no one is ever going to think that.  And then I say, stop it you stupid bitch!!  You can’t do that!!  You have to think you are fabulous and special, or no one else is ever going to think you are!  Put your damn fat bottom girl pants on and hit it.  You fucking got this!  You can do this, and if he doesn’t like, then it’s his loss because you are amazing!!  So take that all you other men who have come before the ones I am still going to meet!  You will not defeat me!  I shall rise again!!  After all tomorrow is another day!!  Oh, I’ll try to remember to get on here and let you know how the date went!  😉

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