The Honeymoon Phase
Don’t do it, I want to tell her. Don’t go back to him.
But it’s too late. She’s with him again, and she’s got all the same old excuses for being with him.
I’m keeping it casual.
He’s different now, not like he was before.
So you forgot, I guess.
You forgot all the nasty things he called you.
You forgot how he made you feel like a piece of shit by all the things he said, and all the things he did.
You forgot all the insecurity and the tears and the feelings of insanity.
You forgot how he didn’t put you first. Hell, he didn’t even put you second.
You forgot how your son said he was scared of him. How your son knew that this guy didn’t make you happy.
But you went back anyway.
I suppose you went back for all the same reasons all of us go back–because you can’t get those old tapes to stop playing in your head, you can’t get past the fear of being alone, you can’t put yourself first, let alone your son.
I want to tell you you’ll regret it. I want to scream “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GO BACK TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT AND CHOOSE HIM OVER YOUR KID!”.
But I don’t. I stay quiet. There’s nothing I can do even though I can see how this all will play out, and I don’t even need a crystal ball. You will have to learn on your own, because it’s something which can’t be taught.
I had to be my own teacher, but I eventually learned.
I have been you.
And you are now me.
I have a friend who is in this exact same position and it makes me want to scream, but we can’t live their lives for them, only set a strong example of what life can be outside of an abusive relationship.
My spouse of 26-years left me two years ago — and it was devastating. In those two years (and even before that), I’ve been in therapy and I’ve changed a great deal. I believe that he has also changed — some. He still hasn’t (as far as I know) tried to get any help to deal with his past issues, but I can see he is aware that he HAS issues (which he wouldn’t even acknowledge when we were together) and he is careful to be on his best behavior around me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about asking him if he wants to try again. It’s so difficult to have all of your life plans with this man end abruptly and to face the reality that your future is going to be financially difficult and most likely a solitary one. I know people would think I was crazy — and I know that I might be going back into the same situation we had before (never physically abusive, but often very disconnected) — but the alternative is very scary. Especially when you are a “woman of a certain age” and all of your friends of that age or older who are single have not been able to find love again (and not for want of trying). It’s a dilemma.
I understand, considering it was 26 years, and the fact you possibly have children together. I’m talking about instances where it’s a fairly short term relationship, no children together, and psychological and/or physical abuse. I don’t understand why women continue to put themselves in these situations, because they’re worth more than that. Fear of being alone shouldn’t keep you from getting out of, or not being in, a shit relationship.
The problem lies in having accepted his behavior for years. It set a precedent, and I imagine he would expect you to continue to accept it. Just my feelings, but you need to do what is best for you!
Dear Jana, Sending you peace, love, outstanding karma, and sanity to survive life. It is hard and more often than NOT unfair, nonetheless it is life.
My personal opinion is do what you like, as you like, and when you like. Why? The dilemma is nothing more than a crossroad where you can make decisions based on your current situation or chose not to. Sometimes in life we have to choose the lessor of evils just to survive and sometimes we feel like giving up completely. This is what makes us human. Knowing your ex’s behavior is familiar to you, much like a roadmap. But what lies ahead without him is not familiar and in itself can be very scary based on all the many, many unknowns.
All the best!