Grab Your Beakers
Chemistry. So amazing, yet so perplexing. I have been obsessing about it recently. The topic came up Saturday night, when I was chatting with a friend. Here’s what I want to know from you, dear WP friends:
1. Is chemistry something that you either have or you don’t? Meaning, can it be “manufactured” during the course of a relationship, or does it have to be there from the beginning?
2. If you believe it can be “manufactured”, does it quickly wane because it wasn’t there right away?
3. Do you think a relationship is doomed if you have no chemistry with someone?
4. What are your experiences with relationships in where there’s been chemistry/no chemistry?
I have a ton of other questions, but am so looking forward to reading replies, and generating some talk about this topic! Hope you are willing to participate!
Maybe it is like Locker Room Chemistry or Work Place chemistry. it is there when you are winning and gone when you are losing.
What locker room are you having chemistry in??
I’ve had great chemistry with people and it doesn’t work out and I’ve dated people with no chemistry and it doesn’t work out. I don’t think one can manufacture that “love at first sight”, “take my breath away” kind of response, but it depends if that is really necessary in the relationship you want. I prefer a chemical link with my lovers, but what I find sexiest of all is when someone is there for me and can come and rescue me when I have car trouble. That may not sound romantic, but just wait until you’re stranded and that person will be sex on wheels pun intended. Having said that the chemical bit helps with the rough spots when you can’t stand their socks on floor or their dish in the sink and you can cling to the butterflies you feel in your tummy when they enter the house at night. Without butterflies I might be much more prone to throwing crockery in their general direction.
I tend to agree—that it has to be a bit lusty, to get past the every day grind of work, kids, and daily responsibilities. I do want the dependable guy, but I also want the dependable guy who I will willingly give a BJ for coming to my car problem rescue!! lol
And absolutely true lol 😉
I don’t think my wife and I had chemistry at first. She wasn’t someone I was interested in dating until we became really good friends and that was 22 years ago or so.
My ex-husband had a theory—that men aren’t friends with women they’re not attracted to. Do you think there’s a difference between attraction and chemistry? I think there is. I think you can be attracted to a person for different reasons—their sense of humor, or their intelligence, etc, but I think that’s a lot different than having a pheromone based lust, or chemistry.
I think physical chemistry brings people together, but an intellectual connection makes it last.
I totally agree with that, because I can have an amazing chemistry with someone, but if other areas of importance, i.e. intellectual stimulation, like senses of humor, etc, aren’t there, then the fire tends to wane a bit.
I’m a firm believer in Chemistry when it comes to picking a successful sexual relationship. Just think about it…. haven’t we all had guy friend that loved us way more than we loved him. He was perfect on paper but you just weren’t sexually attracted to him. I believe that its either there or not …no way to force it. I once had an amazing friend who made me laugh uncontrollably when I spent time with him, he was generous, a fire fighter, caring, kind, saved lives for a living and would come to my rescue no matter the circumstances. He was loyal to a fault and to top it off he was a millionaire. I know he sounds to good to be true but never-the-less he was nothing short of a total rock star guy…What was wrong with me why didn’t I fall head over hills for this guy? He clearly loved me …Why I have no clue? He was a trooper even holding my hand through a boyfriend break up. He listen to me over and over again… Truth be told I loved him but just wasn’t in love with him. I could never give him what he wanted and I thought he was way better off being with someone who felt that skip in their heart when thinking of him. I’m not saying that chemistry is the only thing important in a relationship nor am I suggesting that the the men that we have chemistry with should be thought of as a potential life partner. Let’s face it I’ve kissed a lot of frogs, but I could only choose Mr. Right if there was chemistry and all the attributes I aspire to find in a man….all this from a single girl what do I know?
Hmmm. . .where’s this firefighter right now, because I need a date!! 🙂 I think it is better that you didn’t try to manufacture something that wasn’t there with this guy, and actually, not getting into something with him, when you didn’t have those feelings for him is what a mature person would do, so kudos to you!! I too, believe everyone deserves to have that person that gives them butterflies! Truth be told, I think I was that person for my ex-husband, but he wasn’t for me, and I wasn’t mature enough not to go there. Hell, the guy tattooed my name on his arm, and actually told our son years ago, that I “broke his heart”. I know I too, have been on the receiving end of that broken heart, and it sucks. Thanks for commenting, and hope you come back again, as I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. 😉
I was hugely attracted to my now husband immediately. He had almost none of the traits I had previously lusted after. I went with the chemistry and 28 years later, over 20 of them married we still have chemistry, not the same chemistry but he still works for me!
I really think it has to be there. I didn’t have physical chemistry with my ex-husband, but we were great friends and he treated me really good, so I thought it would be a good relationship. I found myself not really wanting to have sex with him and open up to him on that level, because I wasn’t physically attracted to him. That “dead part” of our relationship helped to kill the rest of the marriage. Thank god I got my son out of it!!! I would do it all again, just to have him! 🙂
I think that chemistry can sometimes grow from where you thought there was none, but it can never be manufactured. If you force it, it won’t work. I’ve learnt from experience!
I think you can nurture attraction, but not chemistry. I tend to believe the chemistry is somewhat pheromone based. I know you’re right about forcing it—it doesn’t work!
My hubby and I didn’t have instant “rip-each-other’s-clothes-off” chemistry at first, but it grew to very intense physical chemistry over the course of a year. We became really great friends and slowly fell in love based on emotional chemistry. That was 19.5 years ago. I agree with Melanie and some of the others above: physical chemistry gets you there but emotional/intellectual chemistry is what keeps you there. Great post, my friend! XOXO
Thanks Lizzy! And I agree—I think you do have to have some physical chemistry to get a relationship going, and then it’s all the other stuff that sustains it. It may sound a bit bitchy of me, but if there isn’t any of that physical chemistry the first time I meet a guy, I most likely will not pursue the relationship. For me, it’s either there, or it’s not, and I can tell right away.
I just love posting questions and having all these responses!! It’s always so interesting for me to learn what other’s think about the crazy questions that roll around in my head!!
I’ve had chemistry in relationships that were long term and are now a part of the history that makes me who I am today. Oxytocin is such a rush! Falling head over heels in love feels amazing. I’ve never been in a lasting relationship that didn’t involve some kind of chemistry. I’m not only talking about romantic relationships. Friendships have compatibility, too, which is a type of chemistry, right? Yep, chemistry counts with me.
True about the friendship too—some people you click with, and some people you don’t. 🙂
Chemistry is essential and in my opinion impossible to manufacture. It changes over time, but if it isn’t there from the start I think something vital is missing from the relationship. I agree with others who have said that the chemistry is nothing if there isn’t substance to back it up, but even when all the other parts are in place, if there’s no chemistry it’s very difficult to keep a love alive.
I totally agree!! It’s nice to have everyone commenting on this post. I love to discuss subjects like this, and to know that I’m not the only who feels like chemistry is essential!
I think chemistry can grow and change. If I had met my hubby even five years earlier, I likely wouldn’t have been interested in dating him. We are very different, and at that point it would have been prohibitively so.
I don’t think it has to be instantaneous; I think as you get to know someone and care for them more, the more chemistry there is, like the folks above who started as friends. (Can a man be friends with a woman he’s not attracted to? That is straight out of Tom Leykis, Leykis 101. I think so – women can – but then again, I’m not a man.)
Can you have a successful relationship without chemistry? I suppose so, depending on what is important to you, and your circumstance. I think about arranged marriages, for example. Maybe they did not have the freedom for explosive lust and falling in love, unfortunately, but they come to love and care deeply for one another, and sometimes that bond is far stronger than the flame that burns brightly and goes out.
But if you’re looking for sparks and fireworks and butterflies and a quickened heartbeat…chemistry is crucial.
And that is my philosophic thought for the day. 😉
I know women can be friends with men without being attracted to them, because I do it all the time. You are right about the motivation…I guess it all depends on what’s important to you. I adore the butterflies!!
Sorry, meant to link this for those unfamiliar with Tom Leykis (radio personality).
Thanks! I had no idea who he was, so now I can go learn!!
He’s one of those polarizing types — love him or hate him. He used to be syndicated in the Seattle area during drive time and I listened to him daily. He can piss you off in a second, but he also has a lot of wisdom about relationships and things. I think a lot of people need to hear what he has to say. And since I think more like a man than a woman a lot of the time, he resonated with me. If you hate him, I apologize. He’s more for men than women, certainly, but there are a few of us gals out there who think he’s pretty smart. 😉
I think like a guy most of the time too, so I bet I am going to live him!!
There are NO WORDS for how I felt when I saw this post! Here’s my two cents!
1. Is chemistry something that you either have or you don’t? Meaning, can it be “manufactured” during the course of a relationship, or does it have to be there from the beginning? You can fake it, but then you wake up YEARS later a smidge more than bitter and wondering if your O died.
2. If you believe it can be “manufactured”, does it quickly wane because it wasn’t there right away? I think it wanes when the stresses of life increase.
3. Do you think a relationship is doomed if you have no chemistry with someone? That’s the question I argue back and forth a lot.
4. What are your experiences with relationships in where there’s been chemistry/no chemistry? They lead to disappointment. Sure, chemistry isn’t everything – not by a longshot… but when you realize you don’t have it, it’s like realizing you live in a house without a door. Or maybe have a car without a steeringwheel. Kind of WTF-y.
I think my relationship with my ex was doomed because that chemistry wasn’t there from the beginning. Our sex life became non-existent and he went to find attention elsewhere.
Now that I have truly experienced it, I would have to say chemistry is the quotient that determines the difference between a good relationship and one that continues to grow into something wonderful. Notice I didn’t “lasting” relationship. I’ve known plenty of people who are in a good relationship that lasts. I’m just saying it’s a blessing — a true gift — when that lasting relationship is the result of incredible chemistry. The moment my wife and I met, I just knew. Time stopped and deep inside something awakened; something that recognized her as “the one.” Fortunately, she had her own awakening and, together, our world changed for the better in that moment. The best way I can describe it is to say, deep in my heart, she was already there. Which is why, when we finally met, my heart recognized her without hesitation.
“Before I met you, my soul knew you.” I think we have many soulmates throughout the course of our lives, and not all of them meant to be positive influences. One of my ex-boyfriends, who was extremely emotionally abusive, I believe was a soulmate of mine, brought into my life so I could learn some hard lessons about myself. I think that’s what chemistry is, that meeting of soulmates. Some of which are meant to stay for a short time, and others who are meant to stay for an extended period of time. Thanks for commenting Ned. I always love hearing what people think about this topic.
Very true. I believe, In the end, everyone who spends time in our lives has an impact — positive or not — on who we are and who we become.