He Ain’t Seen Me Crazy Yet
I am not a good liar, but I tried to lie to my son about how this happened. He didn’t believe me. He is a very perceptive boy, and always has been. I came clean with him about it. He told me, “My dad was afraid something like this was going to happen.” His dad worries that I make poor choices in men, I guess. My son wanted to know if I need his dad’s help. My son said, “Please don’t ever let anyone do this to you again.” My heart hurts tonight. I don’t know how I got back here again. This isn’t the first abusive relationship I’ve been in. I want it to be the last.
You know the worst part? I hit back. I was tired of just sitting there taking it, so I hit back, and then he choked me, right there in his pickup, while we’re sitting in a parking lot, truck running. Pretty sure you stand a better chance of encountering a cop when you’ve had a couple of beers and get behind the wheel, than when you’re getting choked out in a pickup.
I titled my post last night “Stupid Girl”, because I feel stupid. I am a college educated woman, with my own home, and decent credit, and a good job, but sometimes I am still a stupid girl. I should’ve never gone back after the first kick and subsequent bruise, I should’ve told him to pack his shit after the second shove and subsequent landing on my ass on the ground and my head barely missing the paving stones. You know what cut my cheek? A baseball cap. The plastic thing on the back of a baseball cap. He got pissed off at me and threw the baseball cap right at my face. I didn’t even realize that it had cut my cheek until I pulled my hand away and saw the blood. He told me it cut me because I am “weak”. That’s what he said—I am weak. He wouldn’t have thrown it, but I pissed him off because, I “don’t know when to shut my fucking mouth”.
I think that motherfucker better just be glad I didn’t call the cops. Not only would he have been arrested for a domestic, I am guessing he would’ve also gotten charged with DUI, and it would’ve been his 4th. Here in Kansas your 4th DUI is mandatory one year in jail. That’s a good long while to sit and think about shit, isn’t it?
Sounds like you know where the boundaries lie. The question remains, are you going to love yourself enough to start enforcing them?
Don’t hate me; I’m just caring about you.
True, Bill. I have to know my own value, and some days I guess I don’t. I am trying to remind myself, just like so many of my WP buddies are trying to remind me too! 🙂
You are better off alone than to allow someone to treat you like this. He will never change. This is not your fault. You do not deserve this. Get out while you can.
I know. . . I keep telling myself “alone” is better than “beaten”. It escalates every time, and maybe he wouldn’t stop choking me next time.
I’m alone right now and I’m happier for it. My [Ex]husband never beat me but he verbally abused me and played with my head. He’s out of my life for GOOD! I cut the cord after I started doing some digging…
The #1 reason why I am happier with out my Ex-husband in my life is simply this: He can no longer hurt me (with his verbal abuse and mind games) nor can he poison my mind against the people in my life. I am FREE. That is how you must look at it — YOU WILL BE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I realized last night, after he had come and picked up some more of his things, and left a string of verbal abuse with me, that I do feel a sense of relief with him not being around all the time. I know I will miss the companionship for a bit, but not what I had to endure to have it. 🙂
Please, honey. Press charges, keep a photo and paper trail for yourself as evidence, get the fuck out of there. NOBODY has the right to lay a hand on you, or throw something at you. He deserves that jail time to think about things. And you deserve to be free from this.
I don’t know if filing a report would do anything, except cause him to be more angry. I would rather just let him get his things and hopefully go on about his business. He is leaving me alone right now.
Oh bless you. I know that I don’t know you but I hope that you are okay.
Thank you. The support of other bloggers helps so much!
You are worth so much more than this. Look yourself in the mirror and repeat that over and over and over again until you believe it. You are worth so much more than this!
It hurts me so much to see this. The external cuts and bruises are there, but the most damaging are the internal ones.
PS Anger and rage like this never change on their own. “You are worth so much more than this!” Keep repeating those words again and again and again………….
Thank you!!! I do believe, most days, that I am worth much more than this. My son deserves better than this, and that, more than anything, will keep me from letting him back into our lives. Thanks so much for your kind words. 🙂
Nobody says anything when you’re being choked out in a car – except for my child who was sitting in the backseat of mine. I am lucky that my child told another adult.
He is leaving you alone for now. He is letting you cool down, letting you move on and not be so mad (not that you will ever forget), and he has no plans of leaving. ESPECIALLY if he is living off of you. Please do not let him stay or come back if he’s left. I have probably thought exactly what you are thinking about a million times. You are smarter and stronger than taking this shit.
If for some reason you can’t get out this time, don’t let the next time leave you thinking, “He’s lucky I didn’t…”. You get out of that truck, get out of the house, you go somewhere public and you call the police. DO IT. Don’t be afraid of how angry he’ll be. Press charges, take the time he’s locked up to get his shit out of your house, and get a restraining order. FUCK HIM. He’s a fucking bitch for making you feel like it’s your fault. I promise you can do it and you will be better off for it. YOU KNOW THIS. ACT ON IT.
Last night he told me again how it was my fault. I won’t be letting him back into my house, or my life. I can’t have my son ever thinking it’s okay to subject a woman to that sort of thing. I will do it for my son, even if I can’t do it for myself. Thanks for your support!!