My Pants Are On Fire
I am at work. I didn’t want to come to work with this shit on my face, but what choice did I have? You can only hide from shit for so long, and it will take days for all of this to fade. Sitting and eating lunch, one of the guys jokingly asks if my boyfriend beat me up. I tell my lie, saying the patio umbrella hit my sunglasses, as I was trying to close it in the strong Kansas wind. My boss knows the truth, and maybe others will see through my lie too. I don’t know. I hate that The Cowboy has forced me to lie, because I am a truth-teller. I was born a truth-teller, and I shall die a truth-teller. The Cowboy has his own skewed version of the truth, soaked in Bud Light, whatever other beer he can get for free.
I am a mess right now. I am mentally and physically exhausted. My entire body hurts. I alternate between missing him and hating his guts and hoping he hits rock bottom and seeks help. I want to cry every few minutes, but I tell myself not to. I am replaying it all in my head; every cruel word and every second of choking. When I think about missing him, I touch my throat because it’s so sore from where he choked me and I hope this reinforces the fact I can’t allow him in my life.
***I want everyone to know how much I appreciate the outpouring of support!! You all are so amazing!! It’s quite ironic how supportive all of you, who have never met me, are so kind with your words, but The Cowboy, who has been a recipient of so much from me, can’t seem to do nice things for me.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 
Gotta put the Cowboy in the past tense.
Wish I had a different name for him too, because he really isn’t much of a cowboy after all. Don’t think a real cowboy would hit a woman.
I have a lot of names I can think of for him, but they’re all profane.
I love profanity. It makes me feel better. So far I have used fuck stick, fucking asshat. . . .I know I could come up with more, but by far, I think the worst thing I could call him is “woman beater”. . .it really speaks for itself, doesn’t it? 😉
There are plenty good people out there and good men are not all boring. You have been looking in all the wrong people. I do hope you can be strong this time and learn to see the warning signs of a bad un.
In Irish there is an expression which says “Go n-eiri on t-adh leat” A true transtlation is “may luck rise to meet you”, meaning may luck surround you in your life, This is what I wish for you. Be good to yourself.
How sweet! 🙂 I wish I could hear that in Irish!! I could use some luck right about now. 🙂
Phonetically it is “Gu nighry on taw lat”.I have no doubt you are capable of making some great luck for yourself. Be strong, write that down for when you are weak!!
You said it best the other day in one of your comments, it’s better to be lonely than abused in any form. I went through a relationship where I was emotionally and verbally abused, and it was horrific. It wasn’t until I was out of it that I realized how much better off I was without him. The “Cowboy” is not a real man, and he’s not worthy of your time or love. It may take a little time and distance to fully appreciate it, but that’s okay.
Maybe it will take the exact distance between here and NJ?? Got a sofa I can sleep on?? lol
I crack wise, but just to make it through. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for 3 1/2 years. . . .I am getting out of this one now because I can’t take myself down that low again. I have a young son watching every thing I do very closely. Even he told me I have to be done with him.
The work days always sucked. I hated explanations and the looks of pity pissed me off. I already felt stupid enough without their looks.
The missing him and hating his guts…that is the worst. It does get better…
I know, just have to give it some time.
Time is always the hard part! I joke that “time” is the other four letter word! You can do this…I know you can xoxo
I would agree, because I have little patience! lol
Me either!! Lol
FBG, just saw this series of posts – so sorry to hear what you have been going through. What a massive jerk. Hope you are just about out of the whole story.
Hopefully soon. If I could lift his king size bed it would be sitting in my driveway!!
“Cowboy” and “was” belong in the same sentence. Forever.
True dat! Now go have that baby!!
I am trying so, so , hard.
Maybe you should call Kim K up and see what she did to have “North” early?? Maybe you’re supposed to be squeezing into clothes which are about 4 sizes too small, and fit like a sausage casing, and wear shoes that accentuate your foot swelling. :p
I hope you can leave The Cowboy behind. He doesn’t deserve you.