Don’t know about any other states, but “Speed Not Reasonable & Prudent”, is a type of speeding ticket you can get yourself here in Kansas. However, I’m not here to talk about traffic violations. When I speak of unreasonable speed, I am referring to myself in a relationship. I can go from zero to 90 in about 2.8 seconds. I know that sounds impossible, but I don’t have much self-control when it comes to certain things: chocolate, booze, sex, and men. Over the years I have learned to reign myself in when it comes to the first two on that list, but not the last two. Oh, and when you have the titillating combination of sex and a man, I am just totally fucked!
So, current relationship, Knight on a Paint Horse, and I, have been dating for about two months now. I would say we are exclusive, even though we haven’t really spelled it out in detail. He’s not a real detail type of guy, which I think is typical of most guys, so there are many things which go unspoken within our relationship; it’s like certain things are just supposed to be a given. Plus, we spend quite a bit of time together. Too much time I guess, because once again we have had to have the “oh my god you’re smothering me and I need a little time to myself” conversation again. Yes, I get that I do this. Yes, he is trying to be patient with me. Yes, it does drive him crazy because he knows the reason I do it is because I don’t trust him. Yes, I freely admit to him that I don’t totally trust him. I hope that some day I can totally trust him, but that day is not today, and probably not tomorrow. I know this is detrimental to a relationship, and I know my gut tells me he is probably trustworthy, but my fucked up head always gets in the way.
I also have no “whoa”. I would say I don’t have any brakes, but Knight on a Paint Horse would say I have no “whoa”. I don’t know when to stop; I don’t know when to whoa. For example, even though I would never tell him this, I have already ran scenarios through my mind about us living together, and what kind of life we might build together. For fuck’s sake, I have already introduced him to my parents! WHOA!! What the hell am I doing?? He needs me to whoa, and he told me so, but how in the fuck do I whoa? How do I pull on the reigns and slow this horse down, when my worst fear is that stopping the momentum will get me bucked off and left in a cloud of dust while the Knight rides off without me? I’m not really sure how to do it, except to just do it: stop spending every night together, stop calling him immediately after he gets off work, stop spoiling him so much, and stop putting my life on hold for him.
He wants some whoa? I will do my best to give him some whoa. I know I need some whoa in my life, so I can take time to enjoy the ride, as opposed to just racing to get to the end of the line. It might be nice to actually try riding at the same pace as the Knight on the Paint Horse; maybe we can arrive at a destination at the same time.