Speed Not Reasonable & Prudent
Don’t know about any other states, but “Speed Not Reasonable & Prudent”, is a type of speeding ticket you can get yourself here in Kansas. However, I’m not here to talk about traffic violations. When I speak of unreasonable speed, I am referring to myself in a relationship. I can go from zero to 90 in about 2.8 seconds. I know that sounds impossible, but I don’t have much self-control when it comes to certain things: chocolate, booze, sex, and men. Over the years I have learned to reign myself in when it comes to the first two on that list, but not the last two. Oh, and when you have the titillating combination of sex and a man, I am just totally fucked!
So, current relationship, Knight on a Paint Horse, and I, have been dating for about two months now. I would say we are exclusive, even though we haven’t really spelled it out in detail. He’s not a real detail type of guy, which I think is typical of most guys, so there are many things which go unspoken within our relationship; it’s like certain things are just supposed to be a given. Plus, we spend quite a bit of time together. Too much time I guess, because once again we have had to have the “oh my god you’re smothering me and I need a little time to myself” conversation again. Yes, I get that I do this. Yes, he is trying to be patient with me. Yes, it does drive him crazy because he knows the reason I do it is because I don’t trust him. Yes, I freely admit to him that I don’t totally trust him. I hope that some day I can totally trust him, but that day is not today, and probably not tomorrow. I know this is detrimental to a relationship, and I know my gut tells me he is probably trustworthy, but my fucked up head always gets in the way.
I also have no “whoa”. I would say I don’t have any brakes, but Knight on a Paint Horse would say I have no “whoa”. I don’t know when to stop; I don’t know when to whoa. For example, even though I would never tell him this, I have already ran scenarios through my mind about us living together, and what kind of life we might build together. For fuck’s sake, I have already introduced him to my parents! WHOA!! What the hell am I doing?? He needs me to whoa, and he told me so, but how in the fuck do I whoa? How do I pull on the reigns and slow this horse down, when my worst fear is that stopping the momentum will get me bucked off and left in a cloud of dust while the Knight rides off without me? I’m not really sure how to do it, except to just do it: stop spending every night together, stop calling him immediately after he gets off work, stop spoiling him so much, and stop putting my life on hold for him.
He wants some whoa? I will do my best to give him some whoa. I know I need some whoa in my life, so I can take time to enjoy the ride, as opposed to just racing to get to the end of the line. It might be nice to actually try riding at the same pace as the Knight on the Paint Horse; maybe we can arrive at a destination at the same time.
I know exactly where you are coming from, I have been guilty of doing this myself. I am a firm believer that everyone you know / meet teaches you something. Sometimes it is just “see, you think everybody is basically good and now you got f***ed over again, because they’re not” kind of lesson, but sometimes it’s more than that. He’s being patient with you, that’s a good sign I think. It means he knows that this is an issue you have and that you are trying to work through it. I blame it on an over active imagination, which is a must if you are a writer. The trouble comes when you can’t switch it off. I know how hard that is. I over think / over analyis EVERYTHING!
Yes, I think it’s a good sign that he’s being patient. I also try to be patient with him, as he is still working through issues surrounding his ex. I told him the other day I feel like relationships are all about negotiating, and then renegotiating, and then negotiating again. I think if you find someone you get along with as well as he and I do, you need to be willing to come to the table and talk things through. We are both blatantly honest individuals, so that really helps.
Where to begin… first, if he is willing to communicate and negotiate he is aces!
I’m dealing with a guy that can’t/won’t do those things and on top of that doesn’t trust me. After two years. About anything. So he clings, he controls, and he is endlessly insecure. No matter how patient I am he still can’t let that wall down; it has all but destroyed what once had the potential to be an amazing, perfect and permanent relationship. We are hanging on by a thread now (I just posted about it actually) and ya know, what the major result of his behavior has been? I no longer trust HIM… because his lack of trust has caused so many problems and all I can focus on now is it seems he would rather cling to that insecurity than keep me. It’s like he’s on one side of a bridge and I’m in the middle but he refuses to cross to me.
So…find a way… teach yourself to trust him. Because the resulting heartache for you both if you don’t is unimaginable.
Yes, because often, if someone is constantly needling us about being untrustworthy, we eventually start wondering if they’re up to something & merely trying to divert attention or assuage their own guilt. Mistrust is a relationship killer! This is why I am working so hard to let it go & roll with the flow of everything. Like right now, I haven’t seen him since yesterday morning, & we haven’t even talked on the phone, only texted a bit. I would live for him to come over, or get in my car & drive to see him, but I refuse to do it. I feel Luke he needs to be the one to tell me that he wants to see me. I gotta tell you, it’s fucking killing me though!! LOL
Be strong girl! I am trying like hell to not text mine not because I don’t trust him but because I realized yesterday, after a very pointed reply from a fellow blogger over on my blog, that it’s time to let him go. The lack of trust has officially suffocated anything good we ever were. This frikking SUCKS.
I had been doing well. I did tell him I would like to see him tonight, and he was supposed to come over, but then some buddy of his stopped by his house and now I guess he isn’t coming. He told me to calm down, because this is the exact sort of thing he’s talking about. Maybe I am incapable of having a relationship.
Uh. No. Maybe other will blast me here but that’s just rude. If he’s made plans with you then he needs to tell homeboy to come back another day. I believe you have every right to push back if you were expecting him and boned out. That’s not you being incapable, that’s him using his point to make you feel bad for him being a dick.
Sorry..posted my reply from my dumbass “smartphone” and re reading it I see some things that aren’t clear..if you need clarification or if I offended you just hollah…chances are its thanks to my lame phone. 😦
I think maybe guys think differently about that than women do though–like it’s a “bros before hos” kind of attitude. Not sure why, but I think in past relationships he has felt like he had to tow some line and do exactly what was expected of him–like he was scared if he didn’t that he would be left. For some reason, it seems like he feels it doesn’t have to be this way with me, probably because we are so honest with each other, and are friends along with being boyfriend/girlfriend. Do I think he was rude? Yes, I do think it’s rude to break plans, usually regardless of the situation. I also feel like he’s trying to drive some sort of point home to me. We are both extremely hard-headed, so there will always have to be some sort of compromise when it comes to dealing with issues. I think when he texted me and said his buddy was there, that was his way of letting me know he wouldn’t be coming over, and he thought it was fair. He isn’t an overly effective communicator, and he is also a man of few words. I guess I will see how it plays out. And totally not offended! 🙂
I have a tendency to put the cart BEFORE the horse, and we all know that’s not how you need to do it if you actually want to move forward. KOAWPH has whoa’ed me, so to speak, because he currently is not communicating with me. I haven’t heard a word from him since Wednesday night. That’s a big fucking whoa, wouldn’t you say? On my side of the house, I haven’t texted since Thursday. I am giving him his space. I have no clue whether he will turn that horse around and ride back to me, or if he is heading off into the sunset.