Notice of Beneficial Occupancy
you’ve taken residence in my heart
though I doubt it’s what you intended
(or I imagined)
and it happened as easily as you walking in and sitting down
filling up the space
with all you are
Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
Reciprocity
they always love someone else
regardless of how much you love them
their heart belongs to another
so either you give your love freely
or not at all
knowing it will never be returned
all the while
adding layers to your outer shell
until you’re a papier-mache person
trying to protect what lies within
with mere paste and newsprint
torn from the social pages
announcing engagements
weddings
anniversaries
but your picture won’t be there
because your black and white world
lies within the obits
as your heart dies a little each day
from lack of reciprocity
Laundry Day
I do your laundry
because it makes me feel close to you
The labors of your day embedded
in the fibers
I pull your shirt from the dryer
And hold it to my nose and breathe you in
It’s all there
your dedication
your off-kilter smile
your quiet reassurance
So I smile as I fold it and place it in the basket
just as you encircle my waist with your arms
and kiss the back of my neck
giving me all the thanks I need
Different, Not Less
Some days
the world
and everything in it is too much
the way the tag in my shirt scrapes against my neck
and I don’t like these stupid buttons on my shirt
and the bump in my sock rubs against my toe
and sights and sounds and colors bombard me
so I scream and lash out because I can’t take it anymore
but all the people around me in this Target see is a tantrum
and they think maybe I’m just an overindulged kid who didn’t get their way
and under their breath they tell my parents to “get control of me”
and that I just need “a good old spanking”
but that’s not it and they don’t know I have this thing called autism
and I’m just trying to find the place within myself
where I can go and be okay again
and this is the only way I know how to do it
because I can’t get the words out to tell you how I feel
and even if I did they wouldn’t make sense to other people’s ears
so I rock because it calms me
even though it makes everyone in the store stop and stare
and my mom and my dad and I just want you to know
that I’m different not less
and if you’d take some time to get to know me
we’re all an awful lot alike inside
we just view the world differently
*I have special people in my life whose children have been diagnosed with autism, and I admire their strength, and spirit, and stamina daily. This is for them and their children. I hope I got it right. Much love to you!*
“Towanda”
There was one time I said “Towanda” and wrapped myself entirely in plastic wrap.
And he laughed at me. At me. Not with me. And I knew at that moment I’d picked wrong.
If you want me, you should know that story, because I am a fool, and I always will be.
When you come home from work I will meet you at the door with a drink and nothing on but an apron and a smile.
I will volunteer to pack you a lunch and leave a note in it telling you about all the things I will do to you when you get home.
I will stamp out our initials in the snow with a big heart around it and accompanying anatomically correct snow angels.
I will want to kiss you every time you walk past me in the house because lips seal deals with hearts that sometimes words can’t.
I will do a million things that either drive you nuts or make you adore me, but I will never give up until I’m absolutely forced to because I just can’t bring myself to do it.
17 Again
Meet me in the back seat of the car
with a bottle of Boone’s Farm
and a Def Leppard cassette
and wear your kissing lips
because I want to feel 17 again
and make out for hours
so I wake the next morning
with my lips raw
and a smile on my face
hoping that when my phone rings
it will be you
Eddies
My doubts
eddies around my ankles
threaten to suck me into the whirlpool
I want to believe your words
but the ocean of my insecurities is deep
and though I’m a competent swimmer
I have a deep seated fear of drowning
My nightmare watery grave
is fluid with lies leaked from lips
of those who purported to care
Lack of oxygen and tears blur my vision
but my heart still sees nothing but good in you
Take my hand and lead me to shore
before the tide comes in
there’s still time to save me
Too Much Is Never Enough
She spent half her time convincing men to love her
and half her time convincing men she wasn’t worth loving
exhausted from being too much or too little
never content with who she was
always trying to explain the tornadoes in her mind
constantly apologizing
no man ever understanding why she cowered in fear
screaming inside for just one to know her
and not run away in frustration over who she had become
because of all the other men who came before him
always trying to beat them to the leaving
because they always left
she posts a “DO NOT ENTER” sign and draws the blinds
and collapses in on herself
because it’s easier to feel nothing than to feel everything like she always has
Love Salve
“You don’t know how a heart works”
they say
“It’s resilient”
“It can heal”
once
twice
three, four, five, six times
broken
maybe beyond repair
a muscle gets strained
too much wear and tear
worn thin
like the excuses made by those we dare to love
ironic
isn’t it
the only thing to fix a broken heart
is more love
Shadow Figure
In my dream
you wake me
with your hand on my hip and
“Good morning beautiful”
whispered in my ear
but reality
is the bed cold beside me
and you far away
in a place where I exist
only in your shadows
And as much as you wish it didn’t
your heart still belongs to another
and I have learned
after many painful lessons
not to fall in love with a man
who loves someone else
no matter how easy it would be to do so
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 