Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Happy Tears

“What the hell are happy tears?” My Man asked.

“Those are tears you cry when you’re happy. Haven’t you ever cried happy tears? Didn’t you cry happy tears when your kids were born?” I asked, knowing how dedicated My Man is to his children, evidenced by the numerous activities he delivers them to weekly, and by his ability not to choke them out when they don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

“Ummmm. . . no, because if I did I’d have a vagina,” My Man said.

Interesting, I thought. Is it only the fairer sex who cries happy tears?

I needed to do more research on this subject.

So I posed the same question to a bunch of the guys I work with while sitting around the lunch table yesterday. They all screwed up their faces in the same quizzical way, and cocked their eyebrows at me like I was nuts for even insinuating there might be even a drop of ocular saltwater shed over happiness.

“If I was really happy and I had a tail, I’d wag it. But happy tears? Oh hell no,” said my boss.

“If I had cried “happy tears” when my kids were born, my wife would’ve kicked me out of the room and told me not to come back until I had that shit fixed,” said the operations manager.

“Don’t they make a pill for that?” said another one.

So I’m getting the picture that most guys don’t cry happy tears. I think in general most guys reserve crying for emotions on the opposite side of the spectrum, and only take them out when they really need them—like when they get their dick caught in their zipper, or when the really hot chick they’ve been dying to bone finally agrees to a rut-fest, but not without a condom, and the one they’ve been carrying around in their wallet for just such an occasion is dry and brittle and crumbles in their sweaty hands.

But I’ll tell you what. I’m good with the fact My Man doesn’t cry happy tears. I much prefer a happy slap on the ass from him anyway.

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21 thoughts on “Happy Tears

  1. Happy tears, no. I think I’d punch a guy who cried happy tears, just to make sure we reset his reason for crying to something appropriate.

  2. Men are conditioned not to have Happy Tears. However, Ocassionally we do get so dust in our eyes.

  3. I have seen happy tears from multiple men in my family…though they probably wouldn’t admit to it!

  4. *sigh* Gender roles. I think they are arbitrary.

    I had a whole different comment here. I decided to change to say I really hated being shamed and teased for being sensitive growing up, including the time I shed tears. Fine. If society has to be punk about it, they can f*** themselves.

    • Lol.I don’t think there’s anything wrong with men being sensitive. My issue is that I have always had to baby the guys I’ve previously been with. They basically wouldn’t “man up” and I always took care of them and they never reciprocated.

      • Oh, well that’s not fair! Cimmy takes care of me a little more often due to my chronic pain problems (I just got the trial spinal cord stim put in yesterday), but I like to help her out as best I can do, whether it’s brushing her hair, doing chores I can (I like to take out the garbage and vacuum!) taking care of her feet, or getting the kids out from under foot for a while. Share and share alike, y’know?

      • I think couples should take care of each other! :0

      • Yeah, exactly.

  5. I disagree. I’ve seen plenty of men cry happy tears, it’s just that usually they were laughing really hard at the time. Surely that equates to happy, though. And usually they say “Oh, Christ, that was a good one,” and wipe their eyes.

    • I think most guys would put the laughter tears into a different category from happy tears, but I’ll have to check with My Man and see what his take on that is.

      • After all, he’s the authority. You’ll have to factor in there that my cousin is a famous comedian with millions of fans (not telling who) and has probably made men pee their pants as well as cry.

      • How awesome to have a famous comedian in the family!! We have plenty of comedians, but they only perform for us. 😉

      • Mmm, I can see my cousin on-line, but rarely in person. He just keeps getting more famous… So what did your man say?

  6. Only ever had ‘happy tears’ twice in my life. Once while watching a Jerry Lewis movie and another time after a major migraine and then being shot up with barbiturates as treatment. Of course there was another Jerry Lewis movie on the tube.

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