Dictionaries
and who will I be when you’re gone
if I allow you to define me
Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
and who will I be when you’re gone
if I allow you to define me
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Fat Bottom Girl Said What 
That’s a great poetic question!
I tried to be the person he said he wanted. The changes were subtle but they were never enough. So then the mind partly quiets and I no longer speak my own thoughts.
He is a good man my friends say, he provides and is so charming to them.
So I stay quiet never being quite good enough. Years go by, I no longer have any dreams but I do have hope IT will change. I drink, he doesn’t notice. I stop drinking, he doesn’t notice. I go without, no one else does in the family. I stay thin, I smile a lot but I don’t ask for anything anymore. I want nothing. I feel empty.
He is now with another woman who tolerates nothing from him. A construction company owner works weekends in her laundry.
She rules the roost and he no longer smiles.
I am free and I thank her everyday.
ps … I don’t know ME. It’s a struggle.
I do know how it feels to be free again.
Don’t lose yourself young ladies. He will be gone someday, one way or another.
There is always the possibility that our “dictionary” will leave, which is why we can’t allow anyone else to define us. Regardless of whether it’s our mate, or our parents, or our children, we are more than lover, child, or parent. We have to know who we are and what makes us happy inside ourselves.
When this thought came to me, it was so profound that I had to write it down somewhere. If they don’t love you just the way you are, and for who you are, then they don’t really love you.
Thanks for your comment. 🙂
Your right. Even as a young woman I believe I knew all of this. I choice to sacrifice myself thinking the emotional connection would be worth the changes I made to myself.
It wasn’t and because I was 19, I had not gully developed myself.
As the years went on with children there was reasons to stay.
It was all a mistake however now I’m grateful for where I am today.
I don’t think I would necessarily call it a mistake, because if you hadn’t gone through it, you wouldn’t have your children. 🙂
I am reclective. I define myself.
The best way to be!