It’s Only Make-Believe
Shit just got real. I just got the papers for switching residential custody of my son to his dad. I knew they were coming, and I thought I was prepared to deal with it, but guess what? I’m not. I was fooling myself. I was trying to play make-believe, and dress-up, and pretend I was a big girl that could handle this shit. It feels like I am giving him up. I know that’s not what’s happening, but it reminds me of a day 28 years ago, when I gave up my other child. Why do I have to give up another one?? It’s not fair, and I know life isn’t fair, but god dammit!! I don’t want to do it. I want to change my mind. I want him to come home, and be here with me until he’s 18. I don’t want to let him go.
Could Joint custody be an option?
We have always had joint custody, it’s pretty much a given in the state of Kansas, it’s just that I have had residential custody for the last 12 years. Now, his dad will have residential custody.
Thems some tough boogers you’re dealing with…talk to him about it. Kids are surprisingly receptive to being treated like adults sometimes. Good luck though!
My son is quite intelligent, and being an only child, has spent a lot of time around adults. We have discussed it numerous times, and he feels like it’s time for him to go live with his dad. It’s just really, really hard for me!!
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that lady. Don’s advice is good. And no decision is final. Take a breath and plan to negotiate : )
I’m not sure whether there is any negotiating at this point. We started this process months ago, and now we’ve come down to the legality of it. It’s just like a punch in the gut at this point.
I am so sorry to hear this, As others have said, nothing is final, especially when it comes to the well being of children. When children are fortunate enough to have a mother… They need their mother.
I think he needs me, but at this point, he wants his dad. He is moving into that mouthy, disrespectful age, and I think he feels the need for that kind of male discipline. I guess I will have to see how everything plays out. Maybe he will decide after a year or two, that he wants to come back and live with me. Who knows. All I know is my world is turned upside down.
Seems like kids go through alien like phases. Parenting is definitely not for sissies.
So true!! lol
I can’t imagine how tough this is for you but try not to look at it as giving him up. You know where he is, you’ll talk to him and hopefully see him on a regular basis. He’s just having a change of scenery.
I know I’m not giving him up, it’s just what it feels like, and it sucks right now. I get him every other weekend, and really, can have him even more than that. It’s all very flexible. I am already thinking ahead to when they move halfway across the country in a couple of years to his dad’s home state, and since money is tight, I probably won’t get to see him but a couple of times a year.
Easy to say, I know, but try not to look ahead. A lot can happen in two years and who knows what situation you will all be in when you get there. Just take it one day at a time.
I know, I always try to look too far ahead. I have this taped on my computer screen: “Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”—Kahlil Gibran. . . .I need this constant reminder to help keep my anxiety at bay.
I think I might need it too!
Ugh. Punch in the gut is right. Big change for you. I hope it works out well for your boy. Doesn’t matter what your rational brain is saying — it still stinks to go through that. Hang in there. Who knows — maybe this change will be good for him and actually make him appreciate you more. But I’m sure your place will feel really empty. Guess you’l have to find something to keep you occupied a little more so you don’t feel so alone. Sorry. ;-(
I am planning on working on my house, and some more items on my bucket list. I can’t even get through the legal papers at this point. Baby steps, baby steps. . ..
It’s the most painful thing ever, to watch your child go to the other parent.
While he was there for the summer I could pretend that’s all it was, was his summer time with his dad. Now that it’s time for enrollment, and the impending start of school, I can’t ignore it anymore. I want to just get in my car and run away, but I know I can’t.
I hear you. My kids have been with me all summer, and it feels like we are a together-family, but it’s just a fairy tale. In 11 days they go back to their dad and school and a whole ‘nother life and I’ll be back to coming home to an empty house and a fridge with beer where the milk used to sit.
Me too! And a whole lot of quiet. 😦 This will be the first time in 7 years that I haven’t taken him to his first day of school and been there to pick him up from it. I have to figure out how to do it.
After that first morning of sleeping in, I’ll be over the silence. The quiet is what kills me. That and the ghost cries. I’ll swear I hear them calling me and get up only to find an empty room.
I always sleep better when my son is in the house. I guess that’s a mom thing, huh? 🙂
It is a mom thing. It’s why we rock.
It’s so much harder to be a mom than it looks. I’ve kept custody because their dad didn’t want them. It seemed like such a breeze when I was pregnant and we had the future ahead of us.
Being a parent is the toughest job EVER!!! I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 🙂
It sure isn’t for cowards or weaklings!
Who was it that said, ‘it’s the toughest job you’ll ever love’?? All those things my mother and father said I wouldn’t understand until I was a parent, myself? True. Every last one.
Actually, I think it used to be an old Army slogan, or something, but I find it goes with parenting much better! I guess we all just have to do the best with what we have at the time.
Exactly. We just make it up as we go along…you know, ‘if you hum a few bars, I can fake it.’
Oh man, that had to be one of those gut punched moments. I know you knew it was coming, but it’s still one of those things that you can’t ever be fully prepared for…not ever. I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. We are here for you 🙂
Cried all the way home today & I have almost an hour drive. My eyes are sore and tired, and I am emotionally exhausted. I know I will get through it, just not sure how at this point!
My heart hurts for you! You will be in my thoughts my sweet friend. You have my email if you need to talk xoxo
I was “given up” for adoption 27 years ago, and love my birth mother immensely for doing what was best for ME. I didn’t really think twice about any of it when I was younger, but now that I’m older I am so grateful to her and really admire her strength. Sounds like you are a pretty strong woman yourself! Once a mother, always a mother.
I am going to post my story here some day. My birth daughter isn’t grateful, and is very angry with me. I hope you will keep hanging around and read it when I post. I am always interested to hear other’s experiences with adoption. Thanks for commenting!! Some days I am stronger than others. 🙂
I’m sure it won’t be easy to put on paper (er, the interwebs), but it’s good to get that sort of thing “out.” Maybe your birth daughter will come around. I’m a native Kansan myself, and look forward to reading more of your writing!
Yeah!! A Kansan!! Great to make your acquaintance, and so glad you found me! I look forward to reading more of your adventure as an expat. 🙂
I missed this when I was away. I was waiting for it ever since you first wrote about your son going to live with his Dad. I am so sorry. You really are having such a hard and lonely time.
I think you know your sons needs very well and it sounds like a very good arrangement, but it must indeed be heartbreaking. Still life is a very long road and all we really want is to be loved and to feel loved, so as long as your son can feel that from you and you can keep in good contact your relationship should stand strong.
As you know the future is not predictable. Who knows where your son will choose to live as an adult, and he will be an adult many years longer than a child.
Thinking of you. Hoping you feel a bit better about it all now.
Thanks Tric, appreciate your kind words, and was glad to read you had such a wonderful holiday! 🙂