The Reason for My Tears
I cried on my commute home today. I cried for the man he’s not, and I cried for the monster he is. I cried for his son, because it scares me that at his young age of 4, he has probably already seen what his father is. I cried for believing in him. I cried because I had hope that things would be different this time. I cried because my son had to see these marks on my face and know they were left there by a man I allowed in our home. I cried because I don’t understand how a person who made me laugh so hard, could bring me such pain. I cried because I don’t understand how I got here. I cried because I’m not sure I know my way out.
He has a condition that, whether born with or developed by watching others treat people this way, he can’t change easily. One way to change people like that is to get the police involved. I know you won’t, and it pisses me off, but what can you do? I know you’re in a small town, and sadly, that makes it hard. If I sent you some numbers to call, would you do it?
I wish I could tell you that I would, but I can’t promise. I went through a situation a few years ago with another guy who continued to stalk me, and had to get a restraining order–it wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on. Every time he violated it, they slapped him on the wrist then released him. He never served a day for numerous violations of it.
I don’t believe he will ever change, because he would first have to get sober, which I doubt will ever happen. I hate to admit it Don, but I hit back the other night. I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew that if I called the cops, even though he had cut my face, and tried to choke me out, because I fought back, I would be arrested too. I wanted to, because I knew they would also have arrested him for DUI, which would’ve been his 4th, and a mandatory year in jail. Would a year in jail sober him up? You bet. Would it cure his woman beating? Doubtful, but I suppose anything is possible.
I can’t even begin to think, at this point, that change is possible for him, or then I start feeling sorry for him. I don’t need to feel sorry for him, because he lives his life as a victim already. I know he is a 12 year old boy in a 42 year old man’s body, and I don’t know if he has the strength to overcome alcoholism and the rage he harbors.
Don’t be mad at me, okay?? I am just trying to be done with him for good, and don’t want to drag it out in court. If he doesn’t leave me alone, I have photographic proof, and eyewitnesses, to back me up, and I will seek a restraining order then. I really think he will leave me alone. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for him to get all his stuff out. You know any big dudes in Kansas that can come help haul his shit to the curb??
Lol, no big guys in Kansas. I’m not anywhere close to mad at you or your actions! Don’t think that please. Just be done with him. When he wants to get his stuff, make sure an officer is there to move him along. You can do this.
A lot of people have told me to sit his shit out on the curb and tell him to come get it! This sounds like a really good idea, but I’m not sure I can do it like that. I try to be a peaceful person. I don’t like conflict, it makes me physically ill. I am a tough chick, but I avoid confrontation. After what took place the other day when he came to get his stuff, I would prefer that someone else be there so I don’t have to talk to him at all.
Yeah, putting his stuff out may piss him off, but you can have a police officer there. We do it all the time.
I would be so embarrassed to have the neighbors see a police car at my house. I know, sounds silly, doesn’t it?
Lol. No, I understand. It’s not silly.
Don’t sell yourself short; you know the way out. You just need to give yourself permission — and keep believing you deserve real happiness. Because you do.
I believe I deserve to have a man that doesn’t make me cry, but if he does, it’s only because I’m so happy.
Do you have a reliable support system? Friends, family, anyone who will stand by your side and help you feel strong? I hope so.
Thinking of you.
I cried reading this because it sounds like my life! It stinks that you are going through this!! Crying is therapeutic though…get those toxins out of your body!! Sending you hugs!!
I am sorry this is your life too. I don’t want this to be my life forever, that’s why I am leaving him behind. Hugs to you too!
Love should never hurt like this — ever. Love should never make you wonder why a person is like he is — nice one moment, a monster the next. Love doesn’t belittle, ridicule, or strike out meaning to hurt. Love is none of those things, and you deserve love — the real kind. The kind of love that lifts you up and makes you feel higher than the heavens!
I feel so sorry for his little son, too. But, I don’t feel sorry for him. Help is available in a hundred different places and a hundred different ways — if and when he wants it.
Cry, but cry happy tears because you are strong and you are FREE!!!!!
Thank you Clara!! I hope some day to find the love you speak of!!