Disappearing Acts
If I disappeared, how many people would notice?
Not many.
Maybe a handful.
Would you?
No, you wouldn’t either.
You don’t even notice me when I’m here.
My phone never rings.
You don’t write.
See? You’ve already forgotten about me.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What
When my ass talks, people listen.
Archive for the month “December, 2012”
Rednecks V Hillbillies
Pooptunias
As of last weekend I have officially earned “hillbilly” status. Previously I was only a “redneck”, but hillbilly-ed it up by having a used toilet placed in my backyard. Now, for all you high-falutin’ folks who read my blog, some explanation of the terms “redneck” and “hillbilly” might be necessary.
In an attempt to help you understand, I have consulted with the all-knowing Urban Dictionary, but have figured out they don’t know shit when it comes to these terms, so I will just give you my definitions.
Redneck – I was born in a small town, and I live in a small town. Oh wait, those are lyrics from a John Cougar song, or is it a John Cougar Mellencamp song? I was in reality, born in a small town, and grew up in small towns, and live in a bigger town now. I enjoy participating in “redneck” activities: BBQ, beer drinking, bonfires, boating, mudding, getting dressed up in jeans and shit kickers and hitting the town for some 2-stepping. The first vehicle I learned to drive was a truck, and it had not only a gun rack in it, but also a fancy-schmancy wire thing, which hung from the ceiling, to put your cowboy hat in. My dad didn’t own a pair of tennis shoes, and wore boots with cut-offs at the lake. My brother followed suit as a child, and would often run around in boots and jeans in the middle of summer when temps would reach 105. Now my brother will don “Daisy Dukes” at the lake. (Yes, shocking isn’t it, especially when you have read about the back hair thing.) In high school I always tended to gravitate towards those guys with big pickup trucks, and I have to admit I still love a guy with a big truck. Men who drive cars tend to not get my sense of humor, and what good is a dude who can’t haul some shit around when you need him to?? We are all hard workers, not afraid of manual labor, and will do pretty much anything to earn a dollar to keep our loved ones fed. My brother and my dad do enjoy watching NASCAR, but it leaves me cold. I do love that damn Ricky Bobby movie though, and recently purchased a copy so I can watch it whenever I want. Now don’t get me wrong, I by no means think my little definition encompasses what it means to “be redneck”. In general, I think most people who grew up in, or around the country, probably associate with “being redneck”. If you grew up in the city, but can relate to this definition, then you are lucky as hell! Make your way to the nearest city exit and get the hell out of there and find yourself some country living!
Hillbilly –
Redneck + toilet sitting in your backyard = hillbilly
Redneck + two teeth = hillbilly
Redneck + eating parts of animals which are only sold at the meat counter in grocery stores in Arkansas = hillbilly
Redneck + eating any sort of vermin, to include possum = hillbilly
Redneck + making moonshine = hillbilly
Redneck + banjos = hillbilly
I think that about covers it. I hope I have helped you understand the difference between rednecks and hillbillies. I am a proud redneck, and quite comfortable with the title. Can’t say I wanted to cross the line to hillbilly though. However, if I can’t find some redneck dude with a big pickup truck to haul some shit for me, and said toilet is still in my backyard come spring, I shall be forced to plant flowers in it. Once that happens, there will be no turning back.
Because I Am Single
I don’t have to answer to you.
I have the right to change my mind.
I don’t have to consult with you when I want to make plans.
I can dance with every guy in the bar.
I can flirt shamelessly.
I can go an extra couple of days without shaving my legs.
I can sleep all over the whole bed.
I can decorate my house however I want.
*I am writing this in an attempt to help myself feel better about my singlehood.
You googled what??
Do you ever happen to notice what phrases people are searching for when they stumble upon your blog? According to my WordPress stats, these are the terms which seem to be getting me hits:
black fat pubes, did the girls fuck petraeus, god facebook page, fucking fat bottom girls, fat bottom woman gets fucked while sleeping
Here’s what I really want to know–which ones of you put those search terms in to find me?? And when you search for “fucking fat bottom girls”, does that mean you want to watch someone doing it, or that you need to know how to do it?? Just curious, because if you want to know how to do it, all you have to do is ask!
Be sure and hit me up and let me know what kinds of crazy search terms people have used to find you!
Not Tonight Word Press
I am feeling guilty because I haven’t written for a few days. I felt like I was on a roll, and then sickness set in. I am ready for this cold to be gone, but it seems to be hanging on. I wanted to call in Monday and just stay in bed all day, but couldn’t because I had a major obligation at work. This week is filled with not only regular monthly obligations, but the Christmas party obligation. I am an excellent party planner when I have the time to do it. I don’t have the fucking time to do it this week. All of these things make me grouchy and bitchy. Yes, grouchier and bitchier than usual. I said it, because I know you were thinking it.
I know this entry “sucks hind tit”, as my father would say. I don’t like to write half-assed, and there are some who would tell me not to write at all, if I can’t give it my all. To those people I would say, fuck you. This is my blog, and I’ll write when I feel like writing, or even when I don’t feel like writing, and even if it sucks hind tit.
Fat Bottom Girl Said What 