Fat Bottom Girl Said What

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Archive for the tag “accept me or hit the road”

The Confines of Love

“Tis the hardest part of life,’ he said, ‘to be half of something and yet remain whole.’ –Edward Berry, “The Widow’s War”

I read a lot; to the detriment of my housework. As I read,  certain lines or passages in a book often catch my eye, and I will mark that page with a separate book mark so I can go back later and write it down.

The line above jumped off the page at me yesterday, and for good reason. It is an issue I struggle with regarding relationships. I think in the 80’s they started calling it codependence, and people started writing a lot of books about it in the early 90’s. I used to own many of them. I even read a lot of them, but it didn’t stop me from “being codependent”. I continued to lose myself within the confines of a relationship.

I suppose using the term “confines” almost makes a relationship sound like jail, and for some people it can be. For me it often is. It is a jail I make for myself. Sometimes the walls are put up quickly, almost right from the beginning, but other times the walls are built over an extended period of time. Quickly, if I am in a bad spot and not feeling confident and my self-esteem is poor, over time if I go into it being my typical, head-strong self knowing I won’t accept anything less than a man who wants me for being me, until the worry about whether he will continue to love me like I am, sets in.

Is it possible to remain to whole when you’re half of something? Can one remain the same person within a relationship that they are without a relationship? In a sense I think it’s impossible to be the same person alone, as when you are in a committed relationship. When it comes down to it, we are all altered by our interactions with other people, whether within a relationship, or just in passing. Allowances have to be made in order to be a “couple”. Decisions are made as a team, as opposed to being left to an individual. You have to consider another person’s thoughts and feelings, or else the relationship is one-sided, and really not a relationship at all.

In my head, the only way to not lose “me”, within “we”, is to choose a partner who is accepting of me and the person I am, and for me to stay true to myself. I can’t hide who I am, I have to be comfortable with who I am, and allow a man to see the real me and all the light and dark that is me. I have never been in a relationship where this has occurred, so I doubt it really exists. I read other people’s blogs though, and think that maybe it does, or at least it seems to. Real or imagined, I know it’s what I want; to be in that kind of relationship where I can just be me and be loved without judgement, or stipulation.

How about you? Do you think it exists? Have you experienced it?

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