To Medicate or Not to Medicate
This was supposed to be sort of a “technology free” night. As you can tell it didn’t quite work out that way, since I am posting this blog. I feel like I have to. I am anxious, I am irritable. I went off my anti-depressant about a week ago. Yes, I did wean off it. I’ve been on anti-depressants enough times to know the routine. I went on it because I was irritable, anxious, homicidal, suicidal. . .I was fucking pissed off, and I wanted to just be done with it all. But I really don’t. I have my son, and some days, he’s the only thing that keeps me going, so I keep going. So, I went back on an anti-depressant. I tried Zoloft this time. I hate them–the anti-depressants. I detest them. I don’t like the way they make me feel. They make me feel dead inside. Dead inside my head, and kind of dead inside my heart too. That’s the feeling I don’t like. I take them to avoid the feeling of wanting to kill myself, and they make me feel dead inside. What the fuck?? And on top of it, as if I don’t have enough self-esteem issues, I have no motivation to exercise so it makes me gain weight. Of course I don’t have to worry about having no sex drive while I’m on it, because it isn’t like I even have the opportunity to get laid. But I took it for awhile, so I could feel better, so I could continue going to work and pay my bills. And it helped for awhile, but then it started making me more depressed. I usually have quite a bit of energy, and am constantly on the go, but I would just end up laying on the couch all weekend and not accomplishing anything, so I would feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle. So I stopped taking them again. . . and now I’m wondering if I made the right decision. Is there something else wrong with me besides anxiety? I originally went on it because I was so anxious I was having anxiety attacks, not because I was depressed. At least I didn’t feel depressed. Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I always seem to have issues? I know this entry has been laced with insanity, and probably not made any sense whatsoever, and I apologize. I had to write this shit down though. I don’t know what else to do at this point.