Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

To Medicate or Not to Medicate

This was supposed to be sort of a “technology free” night.  As you can tell it didn’t quite work out that way, since I am posting this blog.  I feel like I have to.  I am anxious, I am irritable.  I went off my anti-depressant about a week ago.  Yes, I did wean off it.  I’ve been on anti-depressants enough times to know the routine.  I went on it because I was irritable, anxious, homicidal, suicidal. . .I was fucking pissed off, and I wanted to just be done with it all.  But I really don’t.  I have my son, and some days, he’s the only thing that keeps me going, so I keep going.  So, I went back on an anti-depressant.  I tried Zoloft this time.  I hate them–the anti-depressants.  I detest them.  I don’t like the way they make me feel.  They make me feel dead inside.  Dead inside my head, and kind of dead inside my heart too.  That’s the feeling I don’t like.  I take them to avoid the feeling of wanting to kill myself, and they make me feel dead inside.  What the fuck??  And on top of it, as if I don’t have enough self-esteem issues, I have no motivation to exercise so it makes me gain weight.  Of course I don’t have to worry about having no sex drive while I’m on it, because it isn’t like I even have the opportunity to get laid.  But I took it for awhile, so I could feel better, so I could continue going to work and pay my bills.  And it helped for awhile, but then it started making me more depressed.  I usually have quite a bit of energy, and am constantly on the go, but I would just end up laying on the couch all weekend and not accomplishing anything, so I would feel worse.  It’s a vicious cycle.  So I stopped taking them again. . . and now I’m wondering if I made the right decision.  Is there something else wrong with me besides anxiety?  I originally went on it because I was so anxious I was having anxiety attacks, not because I was depressed.  At least I didn’t feel depressed.  Why can’t I just be normal?  Why do I always seem to have issues?  I know this entry has been laced with insanity, and probably not made any sense whatsoever, and I apologize.  I had to write this shit down though.  I don’t know what else to do at this point.


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2 thoughts on “To Medicate or Not to Medicate

  1. On Zoloft, too. I totally ‘get’ you. I ‘stumbled’ across your blog this a.m. Everything you said here, I can relate to. You know what? Your words validate the same feelings I have, that you have. Thank you for posting.

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