Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

An Open Letter to Charities

I’m writing this from an undisclosed location.  I’ve had to go into hiding.  I feel like a good fella who’s had to move to the ‘burbs and change his name from Bobby 3 Balls to Larry Smith.

It’s not because my blog has gotten wildly popular overnight. (How can you call 4 readers wildly popular?)  I’m on the down-low due to (gasp) charitable donations.

Little did I know that a couple of $20 donations, to try to put a stop to the Sarah McLachlan simpering, would result in some sort of stalkerfest!

I love animals, and thought I was doing a good thing by donating money to charities which help animals, but had no idea how quickly things would escalate after I mailed that check.

Before I knew it, guilt gifts galore started showing up in my mailbox–calendars, wrapping paper, address labels, Xmas cards, and even a pair of socks.

Socks??  Were the socks supposed to remind me there are little puppies and kittens wandering around out there with cold toes?

Here’s the thing, your gifts don’t guilt me.  Your gifts make me wonder why you use the money I send you to turn around and send me a bunch of cheap crap instead of using it to help the animals?

How many cats and dogs could you feed with the money you spent to make those labels and that pair of socks?  Could you spay or neuter one or two with the numerous calendars you’ve sent?  I imagine you probably could, and that makes me a bit angry.

So this is what I’m going to do.  First, I’m changing my name and going into the witness protection program so I’ll stop getting your solicitations, and second, I’m going to start donating to local charities.  At the most, I think they’ll only send me a letter once a year asking for a donation, and I’m okay with that.  A letter once a year is more like a gentle reminder, as opposed to stalking someone numerous times throughout the year.

So you can keep your crap wrapping paper and tell Sarah McLachlan to shut her pie hole because she makes my kid cry with that shit!


Fat Bottom Girl

Large Derriered Female


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13 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Charities

  1. I hear ya, and I work in fundraising for a nonprofit! There’s a couple of the larger national charities that I’ve donated to in the past, and suddenly I’m getting weekly mailings. I only gave you $20! In the past six weeks, you’ve already burned through that cash by sending me more junk for my recycling bin. Oy!

    I swear, I’m going to start dropping off cash at the front desks of the charities I like. It has made me a better fundraiser, however. If I get annoyed and I work in the biz, imagine how the regular jo feels by the onslaught.

  2. Brilliant! Love this post so much I want to send you gifts, however I’m going to spend that moolah on myself instead (charity begins at home 😉 )

    I agree about focusing on local charities where you can actually see what they do with your money (and you know where they live, just in case they misuse the funds), and it ends up benefiting you because it benefits your community.

    Btw, I’m guessing you’re in Norway, hanging out with Steve Van Zandt in Lillehammer (or Lilyhammer as he calls it on his show).

  3. Thank goodness you changed your name. They will never find you now. 😉

  4. Omg. This is too good. Sorry you’ve had to change your name though……do you mind if I take it up???

    • hahaha. . .you could, but it’s been trademarked. You know, kind of like that skinny girl shit? The only difference is, I recently discovered I like Canadian beer, and the next time I visit Canada, I will be indulging in some poutine! Hence, Fat Bottom Girl. 😉

  5. Adventures in Kevin's World on said:

    I gave up giving money to non-profits long ago. Sadly, for what seems like 95% of them, their function is fund-raising, not changing things.

    I used to give money to environmental organizations, and became disgusted at the cheap shit they would send me. Seemed counter-productive.

    • Sorry I missed this comment and hope you are well! I also feel the cheap crap gifts are counterproductive and am now giving only locally. We’ll see how many years it takes before the others stop trying to entice me with their damn address labels. Lol

  6. Adventures in Kevin's World on said:

    Oh, and hi. It’s been a long time since we chatted!

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