Fat Bottom Girl Said What

When my ass talks, people listen.

Work Desk Confessions of Being a Triflin’ Ho

There’s something I must confess. I’m a bit of a whore. Or as I like to call it, a “hoor”. It’s pronounced like this hoo-er.

Don’t misunderstand, I’m a totally faithful girlfriend! I’m not saying I’m that kind of a hoor. It’s worse.

I’m an attention hoor. There it is. Right there in black and white.

My name’s Fat Bottom Girl, and I’m an attention hoor.

Man it’s good to get that out there in the open. I know you never would’ve been able to tell I was an attention hoor if I hadn’t just come out and told you.

Oh, you knew? What gave me away?? The fact I’m a blogger?

Seriously, if you blog, you’ve got to admit you’ve probably got a little attention hoor lurking in you too. Even if like me, you’re anonymous and don’t reveal yourself on your blog, your little tiny attention hoor inside is being fed by clicks and comments.

I feed my attention hoor here and on my personal Facebook account. And Twitter. And now Tumblr. Bloody fucking hell, where will it stop??

But here’s the problem. I fucking hate Facebook. I hate the religious crap, I hate the political crap, I hate the 100 selfies some people feel the need to share of themselves in bikinis because they need to feed the really big attention hoor inside them, I hate the re-shares of stupid shit that was popular two years ago, I hate people’s need to profess their love for their spouse on there as opposed to fucking walking across the room to the Barcolounger their husband’s lazy ass is sitting in with the Natty Light can in their hand and fucking telling them in person, I hate pictures of the fucking goulash you had for dinner, or pictures of the guy with the clap-trot dick rot disease who would be healed if he gets a million likes.

Fuck. It’s exhausting. It’s just fucking exhausting. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want to take it off my phone. I want to shut it down. I want to walk away from it and not worry about missing out on somebody’s kid doing their first big girl doodle in the princess potty.

I just want to be done with Facebook.

But I can’t. Because sometimes, Facebook feeds my attention hoor. Sometimes if I’m feeling especially bloated and unloved, I can get dolled up in my attention hoor makeup and post a selfie and get morsels to fill me up. I can post pics of a project I’ve done and get kudos for being a chick and knowing how to use power tools.

I’m an addict and I can’t stop.

Why can’t MySpace be cool again??

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10 thoughts on “Work Desk Confessions of Being a Triflin’ Ho

  1. In Ireland we use the word hoor all the time, mostly because it is used for both men and women as opposed to whore which is just for women/ex-wives. So if a guy scammed you, you would use the expression ‘Cute hoor’ as in ‘Pay no attention to that fella, he’s a cute hoor’ so people would know he is a conman or up to no good.

    I have never been on Facebook or had anything to do with, but I trust your description of it.

  2. FBG,

    Laugh out loud funny! I JUST THIS MORNING posted a link to an article by a writer who, in a very articulate manner, wrote why he quit Facebook. I think you’ll enjoy it. I’m right there with you. I’m not hugely active on FB anymore and for me, it was the GD Fuckin’ photos of abused animals. I cannot take that shit anymore. I’ve had ENOUGH of the human race. I’m done. Anyway, I keep my FB pages for my businesses, primarily, but I pretty much hate FB, too. And, like you, I go back and forth. Here’s the article URL:

    https://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140709173931-11228988-why-i-quit-facebook-and-we-are-sharing-much-more-than-you-think?trk=mp-details-rr-rmpost

    XOXO
    Love you so much!

    • I’m definitely going to go read that. How timely! lol In fact, I got in a FB debate tonight. I didn’t want the debate, and didn’t feel like I should have to debate something I posted on my page. He told me FB is a public forum, so that basically if I post something, it’s up for debate. WTF?

      Seriously, I did like MySpace. It was like the pinterest of social networking where I could make it look all pretty and uniquely me, and didn’t have to see all this other shit.

      Love you my fat bottom sistah!!

    • I just read that article yesterday! I thought it was excellent, and once again, timely as I have been debating this FB thing in my head for the last week or so.

      Messages from the universe!! πŸ™‚

  3. “I knew it” said Hoor Zuckerberg

  4. Tom!! You just cracked me up so hard, dude. Buwwhahahahaha!

  5. I’m a HOOer for Facebook too, FBG. Except I post ridiculous amounts of ridiculously hilarious photos of my children. Because….well….you’ve read about my children.
    omg. Does that mean I’m hoo-er-ing out my kids?

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