Friday Mind Fuck
I learned a valuable lesson today. I will never step foot in another gun range.
I was raised in Kansas. I grew up around guns. I have enjoyed shooting guns.
I don’t enjoy it anymore.
I’ve been “on edge” since my first go-round with abuse. I don’t like people sneaking up on me and touching me. I don’t like people jumping out from places and trying to scare me.
And after being beat up this last time, I really don’t like loud noises. They make me jump. They make my heart race.
I tried to go to the gun range with some co-workers today. I put the ear plugs in. I picked up the weapon.
Someone fired next to me. I jumped.
I fired. I jumped. T
The person next to me fired again. I jumped again.
I laid the weapon down and walked quickly out the door, escaping to the street.
I’m still shaking inside. I want to go home and lay down in my bed, where I still keep a baseball bat at arm’s reach, and sleep and forget how the sound made me feel.
I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want for stupid shit like this to mind-fuck me.
But one thing I’ve learned since going into therapy is that broken can’t be fixed.
Broken can only be mended.
If you’ll accept a virtual hug from me, I’m offering. Healing, in my experience, can take time, but it can be comfortable again. As you say, mended.
Thanks Gina!! I don’t think a person can ever have too many hugs!
This made my heart break for you. 😦
Hang in there, you’ll get past this, it’ll just take time.
It just kind of sucks to feel like you’ve come a long ways, and then one stupid thing fucks your head up again.
Thanks for the support!
I was similarly jumpy after coming back fro war. Eventually it faaded, but I never went back to shooting guns
I don’t blame you. I’m thinking I’ll stay away from them.
PTSD sucks ass. It’s, uh, different for me, but, I get it.
I don’t even like to refer to it as that, because I feel like what I experience is nothing compared to what other people suffer.
Well, there’s complex PTSD, which is different (and seems fitting to what I experience), but it hasn’t been fully recognized as a diagnosis yet.
I think regardless many of us just have to forge our own path to healing.
It doesn’t take much and we never really can predict where it’s going to come from. I’m sorry this sucked so bad for you.
Thanks dear. The unpredictability of it always sucks.
Yes. Yes it does.
My therapist says it never goes away, but will get less intense and I will be able to deal with it better
That’s good to know, that it’ll get less intense over time. Thank you!
You’re welcome. I’m currently in therapy. Thought I could deal with shit on my own, but it wasn’t working. So far it’s been worth every penny!
Oh I’m so glad! I hope it keeps going well for you. 🙂
My childhood was spent with loud and abusive adults and I was ignored in school. So I do everything to avoid arguments and I haven’t even gone near a university since I turned 21. I can understand your reluctance to do anything that bothers you.
It didn’t use to bother me, but now it seems to.