Fat Bottom Girl Said What

Black Sleep

I wash the handful of pills down with some boxed wine
because I’m not fancy
and even if I was
I’m past the point of caring
because everyone else is past the point of caring about me
It’s all become too much
the loneliness
the pain
the memories
I’m determined to finish what I started at the age of 14
when my mother’s medicine cabinet didn’t wield the proper combination of the black sleep I was seeking
I can count on a few fingers the number of people who will miss me
everyone else will just find me pathetic
as pathetic as they found me in life
but still be surprised that I ended it all
because I always seemed so strong
But those same people will pretend to care
after I am ashes
because they think it’s the proper thing to do
if they really cared they would have shown it
in life
and not just in death

Constant Fools

The lonely rises
like bile into the back of my throat
I’ve got a belly full of your lies
and they give me heartburn

“Deceit doesn’t become you,” I say,
“It’s like a suit that’s too short in the sleeves and too tight across the shoulders.”

But you keep trying it on
thinking one day that the more bullshit you drop
and I pick up
the better it will fit

I’m a fool
a constant one
not just an intermittent one

I imagine I’m the one who brought
your duplicity
to my door

So what else is there to do when
I’m to blame for believing
but put a red carnation in your lapel
kiss your cheek
and wish you well
then vomit your bullshit
all over your wingtips

In Plain Sight

I’ve tucked my heart away for safekeeping

–in the hall closet behind broken umbrellas and a never used croquet set

–in the basement behind old Christmas decorations and dried up cans of paint

–in the garage on a hook with a spare inner tube for a bike tire and a hose that has a leak in it

–in the car in the glove compartment under napkins from fast food places and receipts for oil changes

–in the bottom of my purse where it’s covered with Kleenex fibers and an old Tic-Tac

–in plain sight, because no one is looking for it anyway

Architect of Angst

Love softens

the sharp edges

and eliminates

the lines

Who am I

if not this creature

delineated by heartbreak

architectured of angst

built by brokenness

So I push away

all affection

and caring

because they make me

pliable

softer

unrecognizable to myself

because for so long

I have been

angles and points

a geometry problem

no one wants to solve

Ghost Lips

Selfishly

I say to you

I want you in my bed

and not just in my head

But you exist in another dimension

just beyond my grasp

you have your own life

of which I’m not really part of

and you’re merely a visitor in mine

Words

and ghost lips

musical notes

and phantom fingers

connect us

converging in some otherworldly realm

only you and I know

between our realities

Watery Graves

You’ve realized

I’m a sinking ship

and I can feel you bailing

All the treasures

I once held

were plundered

by men

by time

long before I met you

My hull is empty

devoid

of what it takes

to sustain oneself on stormy seas

Water rushes in through the breach

so I take one last breath of you

as you row away

in the only lifeboat

I am left

to fend for myself

again

Swan Song

This is where

you kick me to the curb

tell me to kick rocks

drive an ice cream truck by blasting 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover out of the loud speaker

tell me you’re sick of my shit

that I’m crazy as a loon

that there’s someone else

say so long sucker

sayonara

adieu

adios

meet you on the flip side

don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya

that it’s not me it’s you

that you can’t commit right now

that you’ve been hurt too bad and you’ll never love again

that you were just pretending

that I never meant anything to you

Time Passages

drip

drip

drip

is the passing of time without you

the clock lies

but the weight of water holds truths

which can’t be measured by a second hand

truths

which settle in bones

and permeate skin

veracity absorbed by pores

unheard by the human ear

find their home in the metronome

of my heart

as do you

when you have lost your way